3 dresses

I’m one of those people that dreams mostly every night. Usually my dreams are fun and I find little meaning in them. Last night I had a dream that has left me a bit unnerved so to say. From what I can remember it started with me trying on 3 different wedding dresses. The first one, another friend actually tried on for me, looked like it should have been modest but wasn’t. The second was ok, but had gold beading and wouldn’t quite meet my standards. I didn’t even bother to try on the 3rd, I just gave up and settled for the 2nd, though I had the feeling the 3rd would have been perfect for me. I felt sad as I settled for the 2nd dress when I should’ve been happy. I mean I was dreaming that I was engaged and trying on wedding dresses, why the heck wasn’t I over joyed?! Then I looked and saw a picture of my fiance’ and I knew he would find the dress perfect. Bu I didn't. And my friend said that I needed to pick a new dress, and a new fiance. My heart sank deeper as I looked at his picture and made a difficult decision. I took off my ring and went to my Dad (which is alot more weird because I had never seen the man.) to tell him I was calling off the wedding. I remember I was really scared to go up and tell my "Dad" this, but he took it really well and was very understanding. I looked at the third dress and I felt a relief come over me and I can’t remember much of anything that happened next, but I soon woke up.

I kept thinking about what my dream could mean? I guess after writing it out it may seem obvious, but it took awhile for me to sort it all out. I won’t forget though how sad I looked when I first settled on the 2nd dress. Though I won’t forget either the relief I felt when I said I wasn’t going to get married since I wanted a different dress. I have no idea why I had this dream or if it was meant to mean anything at all, but I hope I never have to settle for less than what I want. Especially if I have to settle for a dress with gold beading (talk about tacky)!

I think the more that I take this break, the more I'm starting to realize things I don't want to know. 

• at 10:47 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Fighting

i have fought with myself over love.

i have fought to love,to love hard, and even to be free to love. i have wanted to love people who couldn’t love themselves. i have cared for their growth. i have tried to help them find themselves. i have loved when i could not be loved in return.

i have fought to keep my love silent for fear of being vulnerable and just another silly girl. i never wanted to be just a girl. i have goals and dreams and hopes for myself, and i’ve been taught that love and independence don’t mix. scratch that. not even love. relationships and independence don’t mix. after all, aren’t i supposed to trade my reproductive capacity for protection?

Part of me wants to say fuck this paradigm of diminishing co-dependency and elevating self-reliance. To think depending on someone isn’t a weakness in me. I don’t want to be self-reliant. i want my health, my happiness, my life to be wrapped up in someone elses. i want to build something , for us to grow together, to nourish each other. we are better with each other. we are better on each other, in each other. through each other, we are better.

But apparently though it's a beautiful thing.... its apparently wrong

So i CEASE past, present, and future fights...

• at 11:10 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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"Wake me up when September ends"....and October too

I’ve been quiet for awhile now, dear seekers, but not for lack of wanting to share with you.

No, the desire to share has been present and willing.  The rest of me has been too exhausted, too silent, too encased in on old enemy to be able to set fingers to keyboard.

No fascinating lead up, no drum roll, just a few last phrases before I reveal that cursed, hated name:  EXPERIMENTATION

Yes, if any one out there knows me they know I love to experiment on myself and the people around me. Pull them out of or put them in certain situations just to see how they are handled. THEN, based on how its handled adjust my life and how I treat them accordingly.

Now---a friend of mine once joked about how this could be viewed as playing games...but I don't see it that way. Everything I do, hell everything we all do is for a reason. My reason for this... is to acquire knowledge. To me, games are in fun, only for my entertainment. Knowledge... Well knowledge betters everyone. So this is how it went.


Problem: I have a habit of always wanting to solve peoples problems. I reach out waaaayyyy more than I should. And not to mention being accused of having  a "need to be needed" thing.


So to test it out...


RULES:
1)No attempting to help anyone through whatever problems they were going through.


2)No initiations of any kind. Hang outs, calls, etc.


3) Don't share what Im going through. (no blog :( ) This was more to not be hypocritical.


3) Follow all the way   frm 9/1/11 to 10/15/11


Results: I didn't really have many rules as you can see. But I followed them to the letter. Anyone that wanted my thoughts, I merely would state that that what I thought was irrelevant, and to handle how they wanted. Hangouts, I said no. And it all seemed to turn out pretty good in my eyes.
Some friends, I no longer have. Some relationships are a tad strained. And others are fine. But then again no one is around forever so its all a part of life.
Funny thing is, i started this mentally justifying this as a test for the outside. To prove that they didn't need me or whatever, but in hindsight i see it more as a test for myself. To see if I could stop myself from being the hero all the time. To see if I was capable of being selfish.


Either way.. its over now... and I can blog again. *exhales*

• at 10:40 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Bros before hoes....Gone Wrong? Either that or it doesn't apply to boy girl

For many years, I’ve been friends with a lovely fellow named "Seth*".  Even though we have mutual friends, whenever we hang out it’s mostly the two of us.  We do everything from going out to dinner, watching movies, staying  at each others places when were in town visiting each other, attending sporting events, concerts, anything.  The only thing we’ve never done is have sex; not even close.  The subject never even comes up.  As far as I’m concerned, he doesn’t have a penis.


  So Imagine my surprise when he told me that I have been the cause of countless fights, between him and almost every girl he’s dated since we've known each other.  Apparently, I am quite abhorred by the females in his life due to our unique friendship.  I’d be lying if I said I didn't find that to be kind of awesome and flattering in the most evil way.  We all get a little insecure now and then, but if these women knew just how very, very platonic our friendship is, they would feel quite stupid.  And in a way, I’m glad Seth doesn't waste time with these dumb girls anyhow.


Now, Rita* (his current girlfriend) is the one that has been around the longest. Which is odd because she is the one that can't stand me the most. But, he likes (loves) her...and so I don't handle the situation like I normally would. I play nice, keep the chats to a minimum when shes around, even include her at times. It takes alot for him to have a relationship longer than a year. So, being a woman, I try to help as much as possible. Though this in turn tends to effect our friendship as well.

This time, Seth's gf did something very stupid: He was mentioning to her that he planned on coming to Atlanta for my birthday for a visit. Her response: She made him choose between her or me. 

Now though it has gotten too the point where I am now annoyed by her(2years of bitching), I can’t say that I blame her; no girl enjoys when her boyfriend is closer to another women than he is her. I just wish she could grasp how much of a non-threat I am, though I guess he did himself no favors by continuing to talk to me as much as he does.

 But ...he and I are friends first and foremost, and no new girl or guy will change that.

Not Seth, because he’s no different than most men, and lacks a sensitivity chip, he told her straight up that it was stupid. "She is a good friend, so don’t make me choose between you two because you won’t like the outcome." , and immediately calls me.  He still intends to come for the week. And he still intends to stay at my place. And as much as I wanna kick him for hurting the girl he cares about (this one actually moved in!!! thats a NEVER), it will be nice having him around. And you know what? I know that sounds selfish, but, Im in a lot of ways tired of being selfless.

Why can't my friend come see me for my birthday without it turning into a tug o war of the titans? Why cant I just have a week where it's like old times? Well, all times are like old times when we reconnect i mean more like... before "her" times. 

Why? Because I love him. *sigh* So i wont let him self sabotage something that he actually cares about. So from now until my birthday.. I wil do what I always do.

1) convince him to go home

2)invite her to come (even though I really don't want to since it tends to only end in her waiting in the car and sucking her teeth)

..if that doesn't work

3)suggest he gets a hotel to ease her mind (which is ridiculous...)

or...he one I dread.. if its too bad

4)tell him to stay...and I will just see him in April

Women suck.

3) I know that they will fix whatever it is. 

• at 10:07 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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7 no no's 4 me

Yesterday my friend "Courtney" asked me had I really never attempted a relationship with any of my friends that I view as platonic. Of course not. She asked me why considering most of my male friends were attractive, and could possibly have some type of interest in me in some way. Then I realized that it's because I know them that I can't do it. There are seven categories of men that will never work out, and most of the time you can't classify a guy in one of those until it's too late and you're already dating. But as their friend I see it in their character, their emotions, and treatment of other relationships. There isn't a guy friend that I have that hasn't been able to fall into one of these categories thus making them undatable ever. Those are:

1. The Guy Who Hates His Job
Hating your job — where you spend the majority of your time — is a destructive mindset which can poison any relationship. It’s one thing to be mildly dissatisfied with work life while at work, but the guy who is absolutely miserable at his job will spend a good amount of his free time being absolutely miserable about it as well, and that’s not good. It’s important to like what you do, and if this guy doesn’t, why is he still doing it? Why doesn’t he change anything? People that are unhappy about a situation or feel a certain way and yet do nothing to fix it, can never work.

2. The Guy Who’s Obsessed with His Mother...or EX in some weird cases.
He loves her, defers to her, consults her about everything, and you will never live up to her. OR he hates her, constantly complains about her, and expects you to be the complete opposite of her. Either way, there isn’t enough room in a relationship for you, him, and the giant Shadow of His Mother (Ex)

3. The Guy Who Needs to Be Admired
It’s not enough for you to tell him he’s smart and funny and attractive. He needs to feel it and hear it from other people, too, and he’s willing to work for it by constantly flirting with other people, via email, at parties, in line at the grocery store, with the waitstaff of restaurants…everywhere. Even though he won’t straight out cheat, you’ll never feel enough for this guy, because, well, you aren’t.

4. The Guy Who Has Friends You Never Meet
He’s always emailing, texting, or running off to see “friends,” but you’re never invited to come along. It’s not about cheating or anything,  but a guy who compartmentalizes his life like that is clearly not ready to share it with anyone else. Or he’s ashamed of you, or he’s ashamed of them: either way, no bueno.

5. The Guy Who Wants to Rescue You
For some reason, he always seems to date people who are complete basket cases, because he likes to play the hero. He gets off on coming in and acting as a stabilizing force, rescuing women from their situations or themselves, advising, helping, tranquilizing. The more messed up a woman is, the more attracted he feels: he needs to feel needed. But the second her life starts to get in order, he loses interest: because, without her issues to take away the focus from him, he’s left with his own problems and insecurities to deal with. And that he absolutely cannot do.

6. The Guy Who Cannot Leave a Party
You were supposed to just stay in tonight, but it’s so-and-so’s last day at work, you see, and he should probably stop by, and also so–and–so is having a party for this thing, which might be fun to go to, after which so–and–so else is getting drinks nearby, and can’t you stop by, just for one? This guy has serious FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), but the only thing he’s really missing out on is quality time with you.

7. The Guy Who Can’t Believe You Picked Him
At first, it’s flattering and endearing that this guy seems to think he’s so out of your league. He just can’t believe that you would ever be attracted to a guy like him, such a loser. In fact, he goes on and on about this, for so long, that eventually you start to believe him.

Now it's completely possible that they wouldn't be with this way with me, but the fact that i've seen it completely changes my view of them in that way. 

• at 10:04 AM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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The Death of a Dream

You know that part of the morning when you’re in the middle of a fantastic dream and something jolts you back to reality? Your heart sinks because your eyes open and see the light of day. The day that begins with getting ready for work.

You roll back over, close your eyes, and try desperately to get back to dreamland… where for a moment you don’t have to worry about real things. But… alas… something wakes you again and this time you really do have to get up. This time it’s the death of a dream.

It’s a heart sinking feeling to lose a grip on a dream that (at least for the previous slumbery moments) was all you thought about. But – you get up… you go about your day… and pretty soon you don’t remember what the dream was about.

This morning started with the death of a dream. A dream that I’m not quite able to let go of because it was such a spectacular one. Though i chased it with everything I had, I didn't catch it. But… then again… I guess that’s why they call them dreams.

I’m going to allow myself the rest of the evening to mourn the death… and then I’m going to wake up tomorrow morning with thoughts of a new dream. And who knows… maybe the old one will come around and surprise me again.

• at 7:58 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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My Sexuality

Some people are literary geniuses.  Others can compose classic symphonies without even the ability to hear. Some are born leaders, who take on the hardest jobs in government that most people think they can do better, but in reality wouldn’t come close.  Few have the athleticism to compete in the Olympics, much less win fourteen gold medals.  I am none of those things, nor do I have any of those talents.  But I do have a special purpose (and not like the kind Navin Johnson has).

Sex is a always a topic that I have never really been shy about, probably because I am comfortable enough in my sexuality to not be ashamed to seek further liberation. Not even in the horny, want to fuck all the time sense.  I think of it as a science, and I am a scientist.  Coupled with my perceptiveness and keen observation skills, my mind likes to form theories about people and events happening around me.


 For some reason. A reason I know, but don't care to mention, sex has been on my mind A LOT MORE. So let's explore it shall we? 

For no other reason besides sex on the brain, I decided to take one of those quizzes and my results were somewhat shocking yet I laughed immediately. This is what I got.

Easy to turn on. Hard to beat. You are The Playstation.

You’re a nice girl, and you have lots of sex. It’s therefore highly likely that you’re attractive, and you’re certainly outgoing & friendly. Plus, this healthy physical attitude of yours indicates deeper emotional well-being and stability. Unheard of. When guys dare to dream, they dream of you.

You don’t get attached too easily, and, to wit, you’re not necessarily looking for something long-term right now. That’s a bigger asset than you know. Though, physically speaking, you’re open to anything, you’re keeping your emotional side well-protected. This means there won’t be a lot of wreckage to clean up whenever you decide to settle down.

In the meantime, the men you share yourself with actually respect you. Like them, you enjoy sex for its own sake and don’t need any other validation for pleasure than pleasure itself. Hopefully, you have the good sense to blow off anyone who thinks less of you for that. Usually, this is the part of the description where we offer some life-correcting advice, but honestly, we can’t think of anything about you we’d change. Keep on fucking, partner.

If you would like to take the quiz yourself you can here.

Of course it was just an online quiz which holds as much weight as my monthly horoscope. But it did sting a little, because it’s almost word for word how someone else had described me recently. Even though much of what was said is true (with some glaring discrepancies), it shocked me to read the results of a quiz that wasn’t even solely based on sex. I’d like to think I’m not quite as coldhearted as it sounds, and certainly not as emotionally detached, but im sure an  ex or 2 would tell you otherwise. Hell maybe not even an ex.


The purpose of this blog? I have sex on my mind so much that it needs to be dedicated to a blog in its own, even though it is real shit, the original purpose of 'the realest shit ill ever say" has a much deeper meaning.Though don't get me wrong, sex can be deep (no pun intended) but fun is a much better word. So here it is. TheeLadyApathy.wordpress.com 

• at 8:56 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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I'm starting to feel like dicks and nanis are interchangeable

*The names  change but the situations remain the same....in other words I won't tell who they really are.

Maybe it’s my imagination, or the weather, but it seems like hearts are breaking all around me. None of which are my fault, this time at least. Just off the top of my head, 3 of my male friends have used my shoulder to cry on in their time of need. Now, I’m not the best at giving advice, and I strongly urge anyone I give it to not to take it. I am a good listener, however, and do actually care about what’s bugging my dear friends. Since these are all guys, I also get an inside look at what makes men tick. What hurts them, what they stress over, and what would make their bad feelings go away. Turns out they’re not all that different from women.

The first sad soul is Ken. He and his girlfriend live in different states, which is the brunt of their problems. I know his girlfriend, so I have somewhat of an idea about both sides. I don’t like to make judgments after only hearing one story. He’ll tell me what drama happened that particular day, and I’ll try my best to translate the girl talk he’s getting from her. Most of the time I’m talking out of my ass. Again, relationships are not my forte, and I’m usually only good for distracting a guy from his problems by cracking a joke, and playing a few rounds on xbox. Maybe cook some shit to eat and have a drink or two depending on how bad it is.

Then we’ve got Seth.He is my favorite and starting to become an exception I think, because after all the time that has passed our friendship is still the same today.  Now, I can’t be certain that he has a penis, because I’ve never, ever thought of him that way, go figure. Instead, I patiently listen to his worries about his "friend's" recent behavior. She’s decent and showering him with affection one minute, and is detached and flaky the next. Or just says something that is completely makes me say 'what the fuck' and I'm not even the one that is involved. Anyway, Deep down he knows he should step back, if only for self-preservation, but he can’t. This frustrates me to no end because this is so parallel to someone else I know. I guess the best way that I can sum up his thinking is that "hot and cold are still lukewarm". Therefore,  All I can tell him is that I know the feeling well. What I don’t tell him is that it’s only going to hurt more in the future if she continues this wishy-washiness. The wound will never heal if you keep scratching at it. I keep that bit of info to myself because I can’t say that when it’s so hard for me to practice what I preach.

Jake is another situation altogether. He doesn’t have silly girl problems, he’s got full-blown wife problems. It literally hurts me when I hear him talk about it, and to be honest I don’t even know Jake all that well other than casual conversations but for some reason he seems to enjoy airing out his problems to me though, and if that even makes him just a smidge better, I’ve done my job. I guess.

I guess what I am learning from this is.... Everyone is the same. But at the same time' i am starting to view my very own heartbreak a little differently.

• at 7:18 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Why things don't just happen.

There’s intention in everything we do, whether or not we really, actively intend for it to be there, if it’s what we do, then it’s there. We can’t say it isn’t. We’re doing it. The outcomes may not always be as intended. In Sociology there are a LOT of talks about ‘unintended consequences and outcomes.’ I believe those exist for certain. But the acts that we do, the carefully scripted words we share with others, the 'cordial distancing', the calls about nothing, the pictures we post, the blogs we write, the going to hang with a friend, that dress we put on before we head to a bar. There is intention in ALL of it.


-The realest shit I will ever say

• at 2:02 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Um....

Has anyone ever had a dream where that they couldn't explain. A dream that had no real actions, but you could feel. Something that was so hazy as it was happening, it is almost odd that its crystal clear when you wake up. That is what I woke up to this morning.

She wept as he
enclosed her wrists
in secret flower
shackles there was a
dizziness within her.
His body was a
hallucination in
stained-glass a holy
labryinth of ecstasy
many regions to explore.

Her breath hibernated
in her throat then its
tempo increased. Her
delicate witchcraft
rushing rusty intoxication
full moons rising pure
unfathomable
alive!

Sparks and silent caresses
in the dark her mouth a
savage fantasy and
opiumden dark red supple
lips leading to a dangerous
hysteria of the flesh

then a whirling love soul
climax transparently
dissolving
wrapped
in quivers and trembling
music together one electric
wholeness- a discovery
of absolution on his
mirror tongue.

• at 1:53 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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No one is to EVER tell me they are sorry.

Ok, if we completely take out the fact that I am not a forgiving person (Ok well minus literally 4 people in my life that get passes) I can still honestly say that if I WERE forgiving by now the word "Sorry" would have lost complete meaning to me.  It is thrown around as often, if not more than the word "love" and I can't take it anymore.
As a child I would often become the recipient of punishment for this exact same word. Because it was never a word my mother could MAKE me say. When I was rueful, I rued, when I wasn't I shrugged. But on top of that I also took the steps needed to not make the same mistakes again. And to the FEW people that are like that, unfortunately the others have ruined it for you.
When we look into the definition of an apology this is what we get:
                  a·pol·o·gize 

intr.v. a·pol·o·gized, a·pol·o·giz·ing, a·pol·o·giz·es

1. To make excuse for or regretful acknowledgment of a fault or offense.

2. To make a formal defense or justification in speech or writing.

 TO MAKE EXCUSE. LIKE LITERALLY.  To exasperate matters, we currently occupy an era of nonaccountablility, where expressing contrition is like exposing our pristine, gluteal hemispheres to a biting Nor' Easter.This one word is assumed an easy way of getting yourself off of the hook when you have done something wrong. I am starting to see so many more people in my life acting like idiots and then assume that because they said “sorry” that you should forgive them. No more. No more "I'm sorry", "didn't mean to" "trying to ..." none of it. The best way to show true penitence is to BE BETTER.



-The realest shit I i will ever say

• at 1:51 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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To my lyrical aficionado

Ok... so today was going to be a day spent in appreciating my friend, but you can never really plan anything when it comes to him.
You know how people say that whole "birds of a feather flock together" shit? Is that suppose to be good? Because there are times when our competitively ever calculating minds causes my overly perceptive, hilariously adorable, borderline narcissistic, deviously candid best friend with a love for music to be almost insufferable to me at times (and im sure likewise with you.)
I was going to do a poem, but I'm not very good with words and this will probably be all over the place because I am writing it and posting it right away, since I know you hate my editing. So....


When we first started talking again, you would always classify me as an enigma. I hated that term, but you know what. I can agree I suppose, there is a degree of difficulty when dealing with me. Yet you seemed so determined to solve it all. Most people are set on solving one side completely and then moving on to the next, and i suppose that is where they go wrong, no one ever gets past the 3rd side that way.


As I sit here typing, my mind runs over our first talk in years.You and I didn't really talk  for very long, you had engagements, as did I,  but with your naturally perceptive nature I suppose that it was just long enough for you to create your top 't' and align the sides. 

It's very rare that I run into true conversationalists. Not just a person that talks, but listens as well. It's not one-sided with you but a balanced reaction between hearts and minds that leaves both parties uplifted, or frustrated but still some type of reaction other than feeling like a chore. Conversation is not forced, but rather flows like liquid gold. In other words down, bottom, up, shift the corner up fifteen times repeated. Clearing the top line.


No matter how busy life got , you always make time to meet, to talk or to listen. It is that availability that makes this friendship so special, and will grow from strength to strength. So it was that down shift, bottom up, down, bottom, bottom, up, bottom, down, bottom, and up again that cleared the two middle corners of my mental defenses.Second line complete.


Now the harder part, considering I tend to hide my feelings very well is  you being aware of when you're needed. You know when it’s time to be there, and though you do it thorough gritted teeth, you also know when it’s time to leave, and even at times to keep silent. Or as I see it, focusing on your corners before your middle edge turning right, bottom right, front bottom front, right bottom right, then bottom bottom repeating twice.

Now,enigmas are your main focus. So I am pretty sure that you understood what I was saying when I mentioned aligning your t's. But you won't be the only person that reads this, since we both seem to be a heavy topic in the outside world, so ill spell it out for them. This is where you stand with me.  

That is the farthest that anyone has ever gotten (On their own.) Which is why you are literally locked into my life. You earned it by being a true friend and for that I thank you. Now.. the closest anyone has ever gotten ever.... 

:-o!!! You thought it would be solved didn't you. No. But then again, you know me, and it was mainly I that twisted the Right bottom, right bottom, right bottom, bottom, right bottom, bottom and turned the double up front, double down turn, double up front, to double down.  to make this happen. 


And I know that being your "humble" self you find challenge in my words. And I smile as I think about it, because whoever said that  friendships filled with pride, boasting or competition wont last obviously don't know us very well. So once again, Thank you. And I love you to bits.

• at 12:56 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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To the No Strings Ladies....

**Ok. Now keep in mind. I am in NOWAY claiming that I know everything about the inner workings of a man's mind. I am in no way a dude whisper, zen master of sex and how it should be, or the guru of guys. BUT, considering my male friend to girl friend ratio is like 17:1 (literally) I have been in enough guy talks.  **

Now alot of women are on the "No strings attached/ hook up/ one night stand" thing. And that is not what I am knocking. In my mind there is nothing wrong with a woman confident enough to know what she wants and gets it. But a few of you are out there doing the exact opposite of what you claim to be doing, and I get to hear about it. So for the sake of my sanity (and maybe a bit of your dignity) I am going to let you in on a few things that I personally get to hear about the day after. Take them or leave them, your choice:

1) Stick to what you say- These are men. Be direct with what you want upfront. If you don't want the one night thing, or the no strings attached thing, or if you are in anyway way thinking that it will change later. DONT DO IT. Most men arent observant enough (or care to be observant enough) to dig deeper to find out what you really want. They will take whatever you say at face value. They don't care if you're lying . Hell there are a few that can tell you are lying, but will give you what you SAY you want instead just because you asked for it. So make it plain and stick to it.

2) GTFO- Don't linger with the  "is he going to make me breakfast" or the "what now" thoughts. Buy your own damn food. It's awkward for both of you, more for you if he doesn't. Wake up before him and be out. Preferably, I would do it  'darling Nicky'  style, but if you want to wake him up to see you out, go ahead, but be completely ready BEFORE hand. The only reason for staying is for another go (you judge)

3)Keep Quiet- This goes both way. Don't make alot of unnecessary noise when you're making your exit. On top of that...The main Keep Quiet- Be a Lady. Sure, talk to your bestie all you want, but don't go spilling to the world how the guy you slept with did or didn't work yours.

4) Clean up your shit- Don't leave a trail behind you. Pick up the water bottle you went through throw it out and gather ALL of your things. That leaving an item behind for forced contact shit gets old. Don't do it. If he wants to see you again he will MAKE IT HAPPEN. Just make sure you rocked his world enough to leave an impression if that's what you want. Leave him wanting more if anything. Most of your shit gets thrown out.

5)Don't apologize- You wanted this, he wanted this. The next morning dont do the 'i can't believe i did that' ' i normally dont move that fast' stuff. Either he is mature enough to think, you wanted what you wanted and went after it, or he doesn't. But i promise he is going to think what ever he thinks no matter what you say. Shit all that added it might just emphasize the impression you are trying to take away.

6)Fix yourself- You didn't go into his place looking like you were mowed over, don't leave that way. This is where it counts, leaving that way will only make you feel worse when you finally glimpse at yourself. Stop scaring small children with your mascara. Rinse your face, brush your hair, and straighten out your clothes.


Ok i had like 15 more but I am tired of typing. These are some basics. I don't care enough about your life to judge it, but if you are going to do something, why not do it right.....
  -Realest advice I will ever give

• at 1:45 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Comitting suicide....

*ok..note. This is something that has been in the queue to post for months now. Around the time I disappeared for a few weeks. I was debating on the impression of weakness it would send but now I'm not anymore. Because no matter how ppl react to it, its real....*

Most people in my life view me as this unpenetrable fortification. To some, I act as the support beams that hold up their house of security. To others, I'm the dam that shields them from the harsh waters that are the reality of life, violently attempting to break thru. To some I act as the bridge, that literally carries them from  one place in life to the next. And the rest, I'm a combination of all three.
I love them so this is instinctual,  for me to be the rock.
They came to me, whether they conciously or subconcisouly knew that they needed me. My advice is normally taken, mainly because I have a way of telling people what they need to hear in a way you want to hear it. Others I just say what's best and not care if I'm hated for it.
I became awesome at what I did. Letting everyone around me feel safe in their own worlds fitting where I could and accepted where I was placed. Viewed as the best friend, the sister, mother and mother figure. And unfortunately to some even the last resort, the forgotten, and even the scapegoat. Constantly working to improve and be positive reinforcements to everyone around me. Using the high from being one persons "rock" as fuel to propel me into being the next persons.
Since forever I've been deeply fascinated by the pyramids. They've been through countless centuries of the worst, famines, plagues, extreme weather, and wars. But yet they are still standing. I've compared myself to them on endless occasions being naturally strong, no correction un naturally, and despite how difficult the task I get through it head held high and remain intact.
In my head detaching my personal needs from all except one to help me keep my sanity would always give me the appearance of the rock everyone relied on. Considering I had been through hell personally and for others and still stood I knew I could continue forever.
But the truth is, I've been lying to myself, and those harsh waves of life I've been protecting you from are the cause of my own erosion. Maybe not above the surface, where you can see, but the damage is there. Ant to be honest it's to the point where it is starting to effect me physically. The running to care for this person and that person leaves me with no room to care for myself.
And i don't want this to be viewed as complaining because if I love you enough I don't regret any of it. But I am loving you all to the point that I am committing suicide. And I hate being weak, whether people are around it see it or not.
So what do I do?
I take a sabatical.
I pull myself back to reinforce my foundation and comeback strong enough to support you and myself. I won't tell u where I am, but I've tied up all loose ends for the duration of my absence how ever long it is. The only thing that I ask... is in this the only thing I ask is that you give me the space I need to heal. Because at the end of the day it's just  as much for you as it is for me.
So I will sign this,
The realest confession I will ever make......

• at 11:04 AM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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A Letter To Your Penis

Dude, we need to have a talk. It's about...your penis.

You see, I've spent a great deal of my time getting to know you. I've comforted you, I've cooked for you, I've laughed with you, I've confided in you, I've even slept in the same bed with you. I've been your friend.

All of this time, I have been aware of the fact that you have a penis and that, well, I don't. There have been times, I will admit, that I have been more aware of your weenie than others. Most of those times have been fleeting. I have made a conscious effort, in fact, to weigh my options - do I want your penis, or do I want your friendship? Penis? Friendship? Penis? Friendship! Every. Single. Time. Friendship won out. Because I know, with you, it's one or the other, although this is not necessarily the case with everyone (Oh, GOD, I hope to hell it's not the case with everyone).

  At any rate, the subject was never broached, because all of my actions towards you were the actions of a friend. All of the love I have expressed for you...it was not a love for your penis. It was a love for you. Who you essentially are, and all that you bring to my life. In fact, it's actually heartbreaking to me that after all this time we have spent together, and after all of the barriers we have seemingly broken down. We get this far...and suddenly it's all about your penis. I feel like you have cut my tongue right out of my mouth, in fact. Thinking back on every time I have offered you encouragement, love, and support...now takes the shape of me, tongue lolling out and my hands busy in a thwarted attempt to cop a feel. I can't even tell you how much that saddens me. And hurts. Of all the ways I have touched you...you are now deciding that our friendship hinges on a way that I have not even attempted to touch you.

And, quite honestly...I know you are a dude, and this might be difficult for you to fathom, but even if I DID want your penis, I have the power to not act on that desire. I have the power, as stated above, to weigh a fleeting desire for your penis against the foundations of a long-lasting Friendship that I was (I thought WE were) attempting to build, brick by painfuckstaking brick (and let's not even get into the whole concept of being "just" friends - because none of my friends are "just" anything) and to choose to interact with you honestly and without any of the bullshit that generally comes up when men and women choose to allow themselves to be vulnerable with each other.

And that's another thing. I don't think you realized (and perhaps I bear some responsibility for this) how close I allowed myself to be to you. You might want to think about the implications of someone, particularly someone with my history, anyone in. Trusting. Not even giving it a second thought. Not demanding. Not expecting. Not fearing. I mean, I thank you for that healing. Totally. I totally thank you, but you need to know that wasn't easy for me, either. And you need to pull your head out of your penis long enough to understand that what I've given you means more than a blowjob you want so badly. And what you have given to me amounts to more than just a cheap feel.

• at 12:51 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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A good friend or a friend of convenience. Where is the line?

Ok so for the past few weeks I've been pretty annoyed with the circle of people in my life. All for different reasons but it seems to all be stemming from one basic thing : I'm not sure where that line is and I think at some point I crossed over the line of being a good friend a long time ago.
Everyone loves to have someone that they can depend on, and I have become that dependable person with ALL of my friends. And no thats not a bad thing...not until it starts to become one of the things that you resent about yourself.
I have always been the girl to go to the end of the Earth for the people that I care about. In any way shape or form, whether staying up late hours with you helping you through one "mini crisis" after another, being there to hold your hand through legal problems that I forewarned you about in the first place, or just needing someone to chill with. There is no limit you get the idea.
Now this mental click dawned on me a few weeks ago when I was on the phone with a girlfriend. She had been going through something with her boyfriend and I made her ask herself  the question "Who is the initiator?" Then I started to comb through the people that I care about in my own life realizing that in 99 percent of my relationships I was the initiator. The person that would constantly reach out to see how my friends were doing, the person that would make the efforts and go the extra miles.
In all honesty my thoughts could never simply just be stated, lets face it the way things appear to us isn't always the way they really are. So i decided to take the three weeks to do a little experiment with all of my friends. In three separate instances over the tree weeks I would not "initiate" contact with them. Just to see if they would notice, who would contact me, and who wouldn't. When they did hit me up what they would say etc. So ten friends, 3 separate cases over 3 separate weeks and the results weren't that surprising.
Three I still haven't really talked to, 6 I only talked to when I finally did hit them up, one hit me up without anything but immediately started launching into his own problem. No greetings or warm up, just straight to the center of the book.So...I think that it is safe to say that I am right on this.
But you want to know what the funny thing is. All ten of these people know, literally KNOW what it is like to be the constant initiator, or to be brushed off for a later time or whatever it is, whatever form of neglect because in reality thats all it is. How do I know? Because I have helped them all through it at some point or another. Its easy to spot it when its being DONE to you but  not when you are doing it to others.
So fellow readers, what should I do? NOT be the person that I am, to not care about the people I care about. Because it is wired in my bones to be that way. What? Drop them for being a this way? Idk know. I actually revealed this to one of the people that was in the ten and he said I was complaining, and didn't even try to see my point. Even though out of all of his relationships with the people around him,  apart from me, he was in fact the same person that I was.
Robert Brault once said that "sometimes its the person closest to us who must travel the furthest to  be our friend." And you know what. That was probably one of the realest things  he ever said. But you know what folks. I'm tired of going the extra mile. Im mentally and physically exhausted.And even reading this now im not even sure where to proceed. Except maybe to warn you, never underestimate how good it feels to be appreciated.Because even though I don't want a parade with 23 trombones and 40 midgets doing back flips for the things I do. Maybe just maybe, person 1 would say thank you every now and then. Or maybe person 2 would call me up and take an interest in my day. Or 3 would appreciate me enough to stay out of trouble after I have bent over backwards to help them each time. Or that when person 4 is having problems where his girl is going crazy, he'll try to work through it himself instead of running straight to me.
To the guilty offenders that read this, unless you want to lose a person that genuinely cares, you'd look at my offenders and learn. And to the initiators like me, I don't know where the line ends and begins, but unless you want to end up like me, I'd find it.

"There comes a time where being the thing that makes us assets to other people, bring ourselves the most pain in the end" Di'Nisha Robinson 5/3/11 ....And that's the realest shit I will ever say.

• at 5:11 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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The statistics of me.....The introduction

So...welcome to the realest shit i will ever say. I figured the best way to start this is to start with myself. You cant accept the real shit I have to say if I don't first speak real shit about myself.So here are my statistics...




riddle me that, diga me this
how is it i can catch what most miss
observant of all yet observed by few
to one single category i cant be true...
to get to the next level within my mind dont think descend, think leaven
but you cant solve the code with out some kindof legend
legend as in KEY, and since i am the KEY
im letting you in on the statistics of me.

reacting 80% brains with 20% heart
makes me 40% dumb and merely 60% smart
only going thru motions to avoid future stings
puts me at 90% trusted 10% trusting
before you say its not right, or more i should share
remember im 80% DON'T and 20% CARE
even though i ooze confidence and appear constantly sure
im 75% IN and 25% SECURE

8 of 10 of me thinks you should know
i only invited you in because i didnt think you would show
but since you did ill, contine thru the madness
9 of 9 me knows the true me while the lies remain assumed by the masses
1 of 6 me hates that i am this way
but if the worst spot in hell is for those who betray
4 of 5 will remain quiet
vehemently violent in the silence

Water 35 liters, ammonia 4
But since my strength isn't diluted it feels like more
20kg Carbon, 1.5 kg lime
The alchemy of the human body competely redefined.
Phosphorous 800g, saltpeter 100, salt 250
My stand off demeanor carrying low tolerance for shifty
80g sulfur, 5iron, silicon 3, 7.5 flourine
since the labyrinth us always changing the true enigma remains unseen.

But since i only show what i want you to see,
the wall remains up and will continue to be.
Time goes on, but you got a glimpse,
yet the more i reveal the less it will make sense.
But it had to be done, because the way that i see,
is that I cant speak truths without starting with me.
So I'll continue the journey without any type of instruction,
but we have yet to scratch the surface its just the introduction.

• at 7:37 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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