I am writing it this way... because that is pretty much what it is. I know that we were never legally married, but you always referred to what we had this way... so lets go.
The legal stuff is done. Immediately I am reminded of you telling me, many times before we were married, that it wasn't just about a wedding, but the rest. And it strikes me that there isn't a correlate of a wedding for the legalities of divorce.
But I think there ought to be. A ritual untying of a frayed knot.
In May, after everything had happened, I drove out to 'our spot' and walked around that peaceful place, where we had once been so full of hope, when we spoke eloquent words, and made promises, brimming with rude ambition for a relationship that had the odds stacked against it from the start.
It was there, that I made the decision to continue forward. That my limit of forgiveness had been reached and I had grown tired. If I were being honest, our relationship still holds some of best days of my life. We may not have been Romeo and Juliet, but there are compensations: nobody died right?
One of the most touching surprises of telling my family that we were officially no more has been the sadness of my family that our marriage didn't go the distance. Now despite the fact that they don't know the full extent of our troubles as a couple, It has been good and healing to be reminded that once upon a time, we loved each other. I also remain resolute that we had more adventures in our years plus months than many people fit into a lifetime.
Yet you and I also know that individually, and collectively, we failed. There are words we cannot take back, actions we can't undo, stains and blemishes that won't rub out or fade, or look good in any light.
Then again, so much of who I am now, especially the parts I really like, I am because of you, because you loved and nurtured those aspects, and because of our marriage. Almost every time I see a film, watch plays, read certain books and listen to new music, I often wonder what you would make of it, what we would have discussed.
It's crazy how calm I can think about all of this and not be attacked by the normal surge of emotions, that need to go to you. How I can write this without bitterns in my heart or the slightest moisture in my eyes.
It has been a little over two months since we legally separated.Though you didn't seem to take the surprise well at first, I am enormously proud that we have gone our own ways without acrimony or bitterness, but with kindness and respect( at least I think you feel that way).
Having reneged on our promises, I'd like to make three wishes on untying the knot.
My first wish is that we both come out of this not just wiser and stronger, but nicer people too. The second is that we both learn some life-changing lessons from what went wrong, and make sure we don't repeat avoidable errors. That would be the real tragedy. And my last wish is that we both find that elusive "happy-ever-after" with someone else.
Love to you, and the best of luck on this next leg of your journey.
Apathy
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