To my lyrical aficionado

Ok... so today was going to be a day spent in appreciating my friend, but you can never really plan anything when it comes to him.
You know how people say that whole "birds of a feather flock together" shit? Is that suppose to be good? Because there are times when our competitively ever calculating minds causes my overly perceptive, hilariously adorable, borderline narcissistic, deviously candid best friend with a love for music to be almost insufferable to me at times (and im sure likewise with you.)
I was going to do a poem, but I'm not very good with words and this will probably be all over the place because I am writing it and posting it right away, since I know you hate my editing. So....


When we first started talking again, you would always classify me as an enigma. I hated that term, but you know what. I can agree I suppose, there is a degree of difficulty when dealing with me. Yet you seemed so determined to solve it all. Most people are set on solving one side completely and then moving on to the next, and i suppose that is where they go wrong, no one ever gets past the 3rd side that way.


As I sit here typing, my mind runs over our first talk in years.You and I didn't really talk  for very long, you had engagements, as did I,  but with your naturally perceptive nature I suppose that it was just long enough for you to create your top 't' and align the sides. 

It's very rare that I run into true conversationalists. Not just a person that talks, but listens as well. It's not one-sided with you but a balanced reaction between hearts and minds that leaves both parties uplifted, or frustrated but still some type of reaction other than feeling like a chore. Conversation is not forced, but rather flows like liquid gold. In other words down, bottom, up, shift the corner up fifteen times repeated. Clearing the top line.


No matter how busy life got , you always make time to meet, to talk or to listen. It is that availability that makes this friendship so special, and will grow from strength to strength. So it was that down shift, bottom up, down, bottom, bottom, up, bottom, down, bottom, and up again that cleared the two middle corners of my mental defenses.Second line complete.


Now the harder part, considering I tend to hide my feelings very well is  you being aware of when you're needed. You know when it’s time to be there, and though you do it thorough gritted teeth, you also know when it’s time to leave, and even at times to keep silent. Or as I see it, focusing on your corners before your middle edge turning right, bottom right, front bottom front, right bottom right, then bottom bottom repeating twice.

Now,enigmas are your main focus. So I am pretty sure that you understood what I was saying when I mentioned aligning your t's. But you won't be the only person that reads this, since we both seem to be a heavy topic in the outside world, so ill spell it out for them. This is where you stand with me.  

That is the farthest that anyone has ever gotten (On their own.) Which is why you are literally locked into my life. You earned it by being a true friend and for that I thank you. Now.. the closest anyone has ever gotten ever.... 

:-o!!! You thought it would be solved didn't you. No. But then again, you know me, and it was mainly I that twisted the Right bottom, right bottom, right bottom, bottom, right bottom, bottom and turned the double up front, double down turn, double up front, to double down.  to make this happen. 


And I know that being your "humble" self you find challenge in my words. And I smile as I think about it, because whoever said that  friendships filled with pride, boasting or competition wont last obviously don't know us very well. So once again, Thank you. And I love you to bits.

• at 12:56 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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To the No Strings Ladies....

**Ok. Now keep in mind. I am in NOWAY claiming that I know everything about the inner workings of a man's mind. I am in no way a dude whisper, zen master of sex and how it should be, or the guru of guys. BUT, considering my male friend to girl friend ratio is like 17:1 (literally) I have been in enough guy talks.  **

Now alot of women are on the "No strings attached/ hook up/ one night stand" thing. And that is not what I am knocking. In my mind there is nothing wrong with a woman confident enough to know what she wants and gets it. But a few of you are out there doing the exact opposite of what you claim to be doing, and I get to hear about it. So for the sake of my sanity (and maybe a bit of your dignity) I am going to let you in on a few things that I personally get to hear about the day after. Take them or leave them, your choice:

1) Stick to what you say- These are men. Be direct with what you want upfront. If you don't want the one night thing, or the no strings attached thing, or if you are in anyway way thinking that it will change later. DONT DO IT. Most men arent observant enough (or care to be observant enough) to dig deeper to find out what you really want. They will take whatever you say at face value. They don't care if you're lying . Hell there are a few that can tell you are lying, but will give you what you SAY you want instead just because you asked for it. So make it plain and stick to it.

2) GTFO- Don't linger with the  "is he going to make me breakfast" or the "what now" thoughts. Buy your own damn food. It's awkward for both of you, more for you if he doesn't. Wake up before him and be out. Preferably, I would do it  'darling Nicky'  style, but if you want to wake him up to see you out, go ahead, but be completely ready BEFORE hand. The only reason for staying is for another go (you judge)

3)Keep Quiet- This goes both way. Don't make alot of unnecessary noise when you're making your exit. On top of that...The main Keep Quiet- Be a Lady. Sure, talk to your bestie all you want, but don't go spilling to the world how the guy you slept with did or didn't work yours.

4) Clean up your shit- Don't leave a trail behind you. Pick up the water bottle you went through throw it out and gather ALL of your things. That leaving an item behind for forced contact shit gets old. Don't do it. If he wants to see you again he will MAKE IT HAPPEN. Just make sure you rocked his world enough to leave an impression if that's what you want. Leave him wanting more if anything. Most of your shit gets thrown out.

5)Don't apologize- You wanted this, he wanted this. The next morning dont do the 'i can't believe i did that' ' i normally dont move that fast' stuff. Either he is mature enough to think, you wanted what you wanted and went after it, or he doesn't. But i promise he is going to think what ever he thinks no matter what you say. Shit all that added it might just emphasize the impression you are trying to take away.

6)Fix yourself- You didn't go into his place looking like you were mowed over, don't leave that way. This is where it counts, leaving that way will only make you feel worse when you finally glimpse at yourself. Stop scaring small children with your mascara. Rinse your face, brush your hair, and straighten out your clothes.


Ok i had like 15 more but I am tired of typing. These are some basics. I don't care enough about your life to judge it, but if you are going to do something, why not do it right.....
  -Realest advice I will ever give

• at 1:45 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Comitting suicide....

*ok..note. This is something that has been in the queue to post for months now. Around the time I disappeared for a few weeks. I was debating on the impression of weakness it would send but now I'm not anymore. Because no matter how ppl react to it, its real....*

Most people in my life view me as this unpenetrable fortification. To some, I act as the support beams that hold up their house of security. To others, I'm the dam that shields them from the harsh waters that are the reality of life, violently attempting to break thru. To some I act as the bridge, that literally carries them from  one place in life to the next. And the rest, I'm a combination of all three.
I love them so this is instinctual,  for me to be the rock.
They came to me, whether they conciously or subconcisouly knew that they needed me. My advice is normally taken, mainly because I have a way of telling people what they need to hear in a way you want to hear it. Others I just say what's best and not care if I'm hated for it.
I became awesome at what I did. Letting everyone around me feel safe in their own worlds fitting where I could and accepted where I was placed. Viewed as the best friend, the sister, mother and mother figure. And unfortunately to some even the last resort, the forgotten, and even the scapegoat. Constantly working to improve and be positive reinforcements to everyone around me. Using the high from being one persons "rock" as fuel to propel me into being the next persons.
Since forever I've been deeply fascinated by the pyramids. They've been through countless centuries of the worst, famines, plagues, extreme weather, and wars. But yet they are still standing. I've compared myself to them on endless occasions being naturally strong, no correction un naturally, and despite how difficult the task I get through it head held high and remain intact.
In my head detaching my personal needs from all except one to help me keep my sanity would always give me the appearance of the rock everyone relied on. Considering I had been through hell personally and for others and still stood I knew I could continue forever.
But the truth is, I've been lying to myself, and those harsh waves of life I've been protecting you from are the cause of my own erosion. Maybe not above the surface, where you can see, but the damage is there. Ant to be honest it's to the point where it is starting to effect me physically. The running to care for this person and that person leaves me with no room to care for myself.
And i don't want this to be viewed as complaining because if I love you enough I don't regret any of it. But I am loving you all to the point that I am committing suicide. And I hate being weak, whether people are around it see it or not.
So what do I do?
I take a sabatical.
I pull myself back to reinforce my foundation and comeback strong enough to support you and myself. I won't tell u where I am, but I've tied up all loose ends for the duration of my absence how ever long it is. The only thing that I ask... is in this the only thing I ask is that you give me the space I need to heal. Because at the end of the day it's just  as much for you as it is for me.
So I will sign this,
The realest confession I will ever make......

• at 11:04 AM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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A Letter To Your Penis

Dude, we need to have a talk. It's about...your penis.

You see, I've spent a great deal of my time getting to know you. I've comforted you, I've cooked for you, I've laughed with you, I've confided in you, I've even slept in the same bed with you. I've been your friend.

All of this time, I have been aware of the fact that you have a penis and that, well, I don't. There have been times, I will admit, that I have been more aware of your weenie than others. Most of those times have been fleeting. I have made a conscious effort, in fact, to weigh my options - do I want your penis, or do I want your friendship? Penis? Friendship? Penis? Friendship! Every. Single. Time. Friendship won out. Because I know, with you, it's one or the other, although this is not necessarily the case with everyone (Oh, GOD, I hope to hell it's not the case with everyone).

  At any rate, the subject was never broached, because all of my actions towards you were the actions of a friend. All of the love I have expressed for you...it was not a love for your penis. It was a love for you. Who you essentially are, and all that you bring to my life. In fact, it's actually heartbreaking to me that after all this time we have spent together, and after all of the barriers we have seemingly broken down. We get this far...and suddenly it's all about your penis. I feel like you have cut my tongue right out of my mouth, in fact. Thinking back on every time I have offered you encouragement, love, and support...now takes the shape of me, tongue lolling out and my hands busy in a thwarted attempt to cop a feel. I can't even tell you how much that saddens me. And hurts. Of all the ways I have touched you...you are now deciding that our friendship hinges on a way that I have not even attempted to touch you.

And, quite honestly...I know you are a dude, and this might be difficult for you to fathom, but even if I DID want your penis, I have the power to not act on that desire. I have the power, as stated above, to weigh a fleeting desire for your penis against the foundations of a long-lasting Friendship that I was (I thought WE were) attempting to build, brick by painfuckstaking brick (and let's not even get into the whole concept of being "just" friends - because none of my friends are "just" anything) and to choose to interact with you honestly and without any of the bullshit that generally comes up when men and women choose to allow themselves to be vulnerable with each other.

And that's another thing. I don't think you realized (and perhaps I bear some responsibility for this) how close I allowed myself to be to you. You might want to think about the implications of someone, particularly someone with my history, anyone in. Trusting. Not even giving it a second thought. Not demanding. Not expecting. Not fearing. I mean, I thank you for that healing. Totally. I totally thank you, but you need to know that wasn't easy for me, either. And you need to pull your head out of your penis long enough to understand that what I've given you means more than a blowjob you want so badly. And what you have given to me amounts to more than just a cheap feel.

• at 12:51 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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