3 dresses

I’m one of those people that dreams mostly every night. Usually my dreams are fun and I find little meaning in them. Last night I had a dream that has left me a bit unnerved so to say. From what I can remember it started with me trying on 3 different wedding dresses. The first one, another friend actually tried on for me, looked like it should have been modest but wasn’t. The second was ok, but had gold beading and wouldn’t quite meet my standards. I didn’t even bother to try on the 3rd, I just gave up and settled for the 2nd, though I had the feeling the 3rd would have been perfect for me. I felt sad as I settled for the 2nd dress when I should’ve been happy. I mean I was dreaming that I was engaged and trying on wedding dresses, why the heck wasn’t I over joyed?! Then I looked and saw a picture of my fiance’ and I knew he would find the dress perfect. Bu I didn't. And my friend said that I needed to pick a new dress, and a new fiance. My heart sank deeper as I looked at his picture and made a difficult decision. I took off my ring and went to my Dad (which is alot more weird because I had never seen the man.) to tell him I was calling off the wedding. I remember I was really scared to go up and tell my "Dad" this, but he took it really well and was very understanding. I looked at the third dress and I felt a relief come over me and I can’t remember much of anything that happened next, but I soon woke up.

I kept thinking about what my dream could mean? I guess after writing it out it may seem obvious, but it took awhile for me to sort it all out. I won’t forget though how sad I looked when I first settled on the 2nd dress. Though I won’t forget either the relief I felt when I said I wasn’t going to get married since I wanted a different dress. I have no idea why I had this dream or if it was meant to mean anything at all, but I hope I never have to settle for less than what I want. Especially if I have to settle for a dress with gold beading (talk about tacky)!

I think the more that I take this break, the more I'm starting to realize things I don't want to know. 

• at 10:47 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

Read More

Fighting

i have fought with myself over love.

i have fought to love,to love hard, and even to be free to love. i have wanted to love people who couldn’t love themselves. i have cared for their growth. i have tried to help them find themselves. i have loved when i could not be loved in return.

i have fought to keep my love silent for fear of being vulnerable and just another silly girl. i never wanted to be just a girl. i have goals and dreams and hopes for myself, and i’ve been taught that love and independence don’t mix. scratch that. not even love. relationships and independence don’t mix. after all, aren’t i supposed to trade my reproductive capacity for protection?

Part of me wants to say fuck this paradigm of diminishing co-dependency and elevating self-reliance. To think depending on someone isn’t a weakness in me. I don’t want to be self-reliant. i want my health, my happiness, my life to be wrapped up in someone elses. i want to build something , for us to grow together, to nourish each other. we are better with each other. we are better on each other, in each other. through each other, we are better.

But apparently though it's a beautiful thing.... its apparently wrong

So i CEASE past, present, and future fights...

• at 11:10 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

Read More

"Wake me up when September ends"....and October too

I’ve been quiet for awhile now, dear seekers, but not for lack of wanting to share with you.

No, the desire to share has been present and willing.  The rest of me has been too exhausted, too silent, too encased in on old enemy to be able to set fingers to keyboard.

No fascinating lead up, no drum roll, just a few last phrases before I reveal that cursed, hated name:  EXPERIMENTATION

Yes, if any one out there knows me they know I love to experiment on myself and the people around me. Pull them out of or put them in certain situations just to see how they are handled. THEN, based on how its handled adjust my life and how I treat them accordingly.

Now---a friend of mine once joked about how this could be viewed as playing games...but I don't see it that way. Everything I do, hell everything we all do is for a reason. My reason for this... is to acquire knowledge. To me, games are in fun, only for my entertainment. Knowledge... Well knowledge betters everyone. So this is how it went.


Problem: I have a habit of always wanting to solve peoples problems. I reach out waaaayyyy more than I should. And not to mention being accused of having  a "need to be needed" thing.


So to test it out...


RULES:
1)No attempting to help anyone through whatever problems they were going through.


2)No initiations of any kind. Hang outs, calls, etc.


3) Don't share what Im going through. (no blog :( ) This was more to not be hypocritical.


3) Follow all the way   frm 9/1/11 to 10/15/11


Results: I didn't really have many rules as you can see. But I followed them to the letter. Anyone that wanted my thoughts, I merely would state that that what I thought was irrelevant, and to handle how they wanted. Hangouts, I said no. And it all seemed to turn out pretty good in my eyes.
Some friends, I no longer have. Some relationships are a tad strained. And others are fine. But then again no one is around forever so its all a part of life.
Funny thing is, i started this mentally justifying this as a test for the outside. To prove that they didn't need me or whatever, but in hindsight i see it more as a test for myself. To see if I could stop myself from being the hero all the time. To see if I was capable of being selfish.


Either way.. its over now... and I can blog again. *exhales*

• at 10:40 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

Read More

Bros before hoes....Gone Wrong? Either that or it doesn't apply to boy girl

For many years, I’ve been friends with a lovely fellow named "Seth*".  Even though we have mutual friends, whenever we hang out it’s mostly the two of us.  We do everything from going out to dinner, watching movies, staying  at each others places when were in town visiting each other, attending sporting events, concerts, anything.  The only thing we’ve never done is have sex; not even close.  The subject never even comes up.  As far as I’m concerned, he doesn’t have a penis.


  So Imagine my surprise when he told me that I have been the cause of countless fights, between him and almost every girl he’s dated since we've known each other.  Apparently, I am quite abhorred by the females in his life due to our unique friendship.  I’d be lying if I said I didn't find that to be kind of awesome and flattering in the most evil way.  We all get a little insecure now and then, but if these women knew just how very, very platonic our friendship is, they would feel quite stupid.  And in a way, I’m glad Seth doesn't waste time with these dumb girls anyhow.


Now, Rita* (his current girlfriend) is the one that has been around the longest. Which is odd because she is the one that can't stand me the most. But, he likes (loves) her...and so I don't handle the situation like I normally would. I play nice, keep the chats to a minimum when shes around, even include her at times. It takes alot for him to have a relationship longer than a year. So, being a woman, I try to help as much as possible. Though this in turn tends to effect our friendship as well.

This time, Seth's gf did something very stupid: He was mentioning to her that he planned on coming to Atlanta for my birthday for a visit. Her response: She made him choose between her or me. 

Now though it has gotten too the point where I am now annoyed by her(2years of bitching), I can’t say that I blame her; no girl enjoys when her boyfriend is closer to another women than he is her. I just wish she could grasp how much of a non-threat I am, though I guess he did himself no favors by continuing to talk to me as much as he does.

 But ...he and I are friends first and foremost, and no new girl or guy will change that.

Not Seth, because he’s no different than most men, and lacks a sensitivity chip, he told her straight up that it was stupid. "She is a good friend, so don’t make me choose between you two because you won’t like the outcome." , and immediately calls me.  He still intends to come for the week. And he still intends to stay at my place. And as much as I wanna kick him for hurting the girl he cares about (this one actually moved in!!! thats a NEVER), it will be nice having him around. And you know what? I know that sounds selfish, but, Im in a lot of ways tired of being selfless.

Why can't my friend come see me for my birthday without it turning into a tug o war of the titans? Why cant I just have a week where it's like old times? Well, all times are like old times when we reconnect i mean more like... before "her" times. 

Why? Because I love him. *sigh* So i wont let him self sabotage something that he actually cares about. So from now until my birthday.. I wil do what I always do.

1) convince him to go home

2)invite her to come (even though I really don't want to since it tends to only end in her waiting in the car and sucking her teeth)

..if that doesn't work

3)suggest he gets a hotel to ease her mind (which is ridiculous...)

or...he one I dread.. if its too bad

4)tell him to stay...and I will just see him in April

Women suck.

3) I know that they will fix whatever it is. 

• at 10:07 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

Read More