You

You have been sent to this world from a world that is much higher. You are here on a mission and you cannot leave until your duty has been fulfilled. You were called forth to be: a light for those who are surrounded by darkness, eyes for those who cannot see, strength for those who are weak, a giver to those who are  in need, and to deliver wisdom to those who seek. You were made to be a leader. This is your greatest gift. This is your essence, your destiny.

You have had a long and painful road leading to your fate. You’ve experienced an even more harrowing journey struggling to resist, and rewrite your calling. Once you realized the severity of your responsibility you wanted nothing to do with it. It frightened you.

Little small you. You thought, “How could someone ask so much of me? Was my life not meant for me?”

At that point, you became frozen on your path before you could even take the first step. You were helpless to conquer the fear you had of yourself and the fear of the unknown. You were impotent in your ability to face your own destiny.  You fled,  hid yourself away from the world, safe and comfortable in your space. Terrified of living a life that was bigger than you. You were selfish and thought “what about me?”  You swam against your own current and masked until you could no longer endure.

You collapsed into what was left of your sanity. You tried to rationalize an end to the madness. The entity of your calling was always with you. Yet in the depths of your deepest heart you knew it was a crucial part of you. Because as much as you tried to hide within the world, you never fit. Without this part, you remain incomplete. Lying and biding has done nothing but stolen time and life from you. This…. mess is what your fear has reduced you to.  This fiasco couldn't have be any further from who YOU truly are called here to be. Realize that by running, you will never be free.

“ Not all those who wander are lost.” -J.R.R Tolkien

From now on, consider yourself a wanderer, you’ve been a wanderer for all of your life. But you’re not lost, merely in search of something great. Something has always been there pulling you in. A cosmic fastening of your soul to something extraordinary. You can feel this energy in every second of your existence. You feel that the great energy pulling you in is the higher you. The you that has finished the journey, still connected with you guiding you through the obstacles of your physical and spiritual life. You whole heartedly want to reach your goal. There is only one way to achieve such tranquility.

You must reach far past your spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental boundaries. You must relinquish your comfort and take the first step on a jagged path of uncertainty. You must be brave in order to be whole. All things must come to an end otherwise nothing would ever get started.

 

• at 5:39 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Motivation

WHAT IS MOTIVATION? IF YOU COULD DESCRIBE IT IN WORDS, WHICH ONES WOULD YOU USE?

I had coffee with a few friends yesterday (well earlier today). Something that I rarely do for two reasons. Reason 1 being, I dislike coffee. Reason 2 being that I dislike coffee shops. They're filled with all packed to the rafters with, a lady with a dog in her purse and oversized sunglasses, cargo shorts mafia idiots, fake life coaches, high tech homeless people, pouty jerks with no sense of others space, and sideways sports car parking douche bags. Now normally I can take these people in small doses, but not in one giant cluster fueled by caffeine and pumps of syrup.

But, that isn't the point. (This is going to be one of those horrible stories that eventually get to the point)

There were a few plus ones in our group yesterday ( a friend of a friend that doesn't quite belong but you're nice too anyway), and as we were sharing news and catching up one of my friends inquired about the progress of my book. 

Now if it were just a cluster of my friends (as opposed to a mixed group of friends, associates, and plus ones) I would have beamed as I gave a full report on the happenings. But since that wasn't the case, I gave a very general and apathetic update. Which of course resulted in the question from the unknowing, 

"You wrote a book?" 

Now if you know me in the real world, you know that I hate focus being on me when there are unfamiliars in the mix. I prefer to watch, I prefer to listen, I prefer to talk about any other topic in the universe besides myself. So my friends weren't surprised when questions directed at me were met with general and concise answers that didn't leave room for elaboration. So when the very brief Q&A was over John, one of the plus ones concluded with 

"With working all the time, I just don't see where you even had time to motivate yourself to write a book, it's amazing." 

He had no animosity in his words, and I could tell he was genuinely complimenting me. So with a smile on my face I just shrugged and said, "Well motivation is really just selfishness held under a positive light. Anyone can do it." 

This is where I get to the interesting part, because the 15 word phrase that I intended to be for me to make light of something someone else say as huge backfired, and a different plus one took offense to my words. 

"Are you saying that anyone that is motivated is selfish?" he asked for clarification.

"In a way." I confirmed before Amanda, our mutual friend attempted to change the subject. 

"I'm an extremely motivated person and I don't think I'm selfish at all." He rebutted.

"Ok, well if that's how you feel." I shrugged attempting to return to my coffee.

"No, no. No no. Explain your reasoning." He demanded.

"Sure, " I shrugged nonchalantly and then went on to explain what motivation was to me. 

That everything we do, every means to an end no matter what the circumstances is fueled by concern with OURSELVES.  Getting something we WANT is our fuel to do EVERYTHING. 

Why do we work hard? To get the things we want, need, or deserve from life. 

Why do we  help people? Because it  makes us feel better. 

Why do we not help people? Because we have to help ourselves before we can help others. 

Why do we attempt to be good people? Because whether you believe in Karma, God, or something else, we all have hopes that it will benefit us in the long run. 

And then he argued, "No because I have helped and done things for people I love with no regard for myself,  purely selfless actions."

HA selfish and selfless are still SELF. Anything we view as a selfless act is really just the fact that we LOVE someone so much that their happiness is our happiness, which still pleases US. As humans, being SELF FOCUSED is in our design and whenever we hear a story of success or triumph the only thing we are thinking is "that can be ME".  I'm not saying it is wrong, but its a truth people rarely see. The fact that we view selfish as wrong is the only thing that makes you not see.

 We went back and forth for a good ten minutes, until he eventually ran out of rebuttals and I won. 

Anywho, I just thought I would share one of the realest debates I've had in a while since I missed blogging. I'll make an effort to do it more. 

Until next time, 

Apathy

• at 12:30 AM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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To Write or not to Write.

Someone once asked Steve Pressfield when a writer became a writer.Was it when you get your book deal? When you sell your first thousand copies? When you hit the best sellers list? When do you get to call yourself a writer? And you know what he said: 

You are when you say you are. Screw what everyone else says.

I have been writing my entire life. For years I've penned stories in notebooks, penciled poetry and songs on napkins, and even typed novels and blogs for the view of the public. Still, I never considered myself a writer, I never fully entertained the idea of doing it for a living, despite the fact that I currently posses a total of 7 novels in my dropbox sitting idle. 

The few people I have shared my creative works with used words like" awesome", "phenomenal", "creative", and "captivating". And I always thought to myself, "these are people that love me so I have to take their opinions lightly." so I continued to refer to my work as an outlet to express emotions.

It wasn't until about 9 months ago, when I allowed a few of my friends to get wrapped up in the world of Genevieve, and her best friends in the Bromance Saga that I actually thought that I something publish worthy. So I sent the manuscript out to a few publishers, 'Little, Brown' , 'Tate' , 'Suspect Thoughts' , and 'Circlet' to name a few. AND I GOT A RESPONSE! Tate showed an interest in the novel, the publisher's assistant that read it told me she found it sexy, funny,and witty. She found Genevieve as a woman who was smart yet ridiculously delusional, but it was REAL (that made me frown a bit). The problem? My ending seemed to lack 'resolution', my characters lacking the closure they needed to keep a reader happy. So it was suggested that I rewrite my ending and resubmit. 

So I took another 2 and a half months, looked at the book from every angle, and wrote my ending over. I let my friends read it over and I got an even bolder reaction from them and I had hit the send button on my re-submission without fear. 

But no. I still didn't have a resolution in their eyes. WTH? What is a resolution? A happily ever after? WHAT DOES TATE WANT FROM ME? I don't write like that. I love writing about love, and rainbows but that isn't life, and I can't force myself to live with that mindset. There won't always be a happily ever after. Why do stories always end with the wedding, why don't they ever tell the fact that Cinderella drove prince charming crazy with her excessive need to clean the castle? I'm only half joking, because anyone that has read my books know I'm able to write the tear jerking love story, I just don't want all of my books to end that way. Is that so wrong? 

Fictionpress and Fanfic have been a really encouraging through this process, because I have followers, strangers, unbiased opinions that literally email and DM me waiting for the next chapter of whatever story they are reading. So I've decided. If I can post the Law series I can also post The Bromance Saga. I posted the first half of it on 9/6/12 and so far  the stats are AMAZING. I'll update it later this week and see the reaction I get to the ending.  

I promised my friend I'd let her design the cover of book 1 of the Law Series since it's her favorite book of mine thus far. I think it's safe to say I love it, if I'm broadcasting it right?  :D 

If I write, and people love my writing, and people read my writing. What does that make me?  

• at 6:21 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Letters I can Never Send: To my readers

 I logged into my blogger account the other day and saw that I had reached a total of 817 followers to date, and over 9000 hits. WOW. I barely even look at the counter since most of my posts are made from my phone, from a random thought during the day when the inspiration to write hits me. So I am sure that you could imagine the look on my face when I logged in via laptop and saw my stats for the first time in almost 7 months on this site. 800? Me? Really? Of all people. Now my work in fictionpress is a tapestry of fiction woven with the silks of my imagination, so I expected the massive amount of readers that I have there, but my blogspot? It's pretty much a dull online diary where I ramble about the world and the way I see it. How could anyone find the way I see the world interesting? Well interesting enough to alert themselves whenever I decided to ramble again. I don't know why, but you did. I owed you guys something so... Notice anything different! Yes you do. NEW SITE. Unlike one of my bros, I am no web designer, but I felt like a different look was needed It's not as tricked out as my wordpress but atleast it won't be as painful to navigate. I sat up, all night (having to work at 6am the next day) and worked with a bro of mine to get my site just right. My own personal thank you.


As an occasional writer, one of the greatest feelings comes from knowing that what you wrote had a positive impact on someone. The ability to relate to others – many of whom live halfway across the globe – has always meant a great deal to me, and so when one of my stories receives a lot of comment, or a blog receives alot of attention, and comments (or even just a few really heartfelt ones), I can’t help but smile. I love when someone tells me that what I wrote means something.

I started blogging at Blogspot years ago because I wanted a place to share my writing openly with the world. Of course, I never thought I’d have more than five readers. After adding a WordPress last year, and a FictionPress, as well as a Fanfiction page , I’ve been able to slowly develop a following and interact with my readers and I've loved it all so far. I love when my fanfiction and fiction press readers message me just see when I will update again, or to ask me why a character acts a certain way, and if there will be a "happily ever after" or when my wordpress  followers share their jungle stories, or debate with me on what works and dosen't.

So far, as a blogger, I’ve learned that the greatest joy in writing is not merely sharing your story with others, but letting those others in to share their stories with you. As much as I love to write on my own time, I would not enjoy blogging nearly as much if I didn’t have such wonderful, interactive and loyal readers as you. Thank you all for making it an experience worthwhile. I hope that as time goes on I will be able to do the same for you!

Thank You,
Apathy

• at 7:15 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Letters I can Never Send: To my Quondam Mushroom

I can write this one with ease. Mainly because our door is closed. Oh how easy it is to form concise sentences when doors aren't revolving, or locked from the outside and my subconcious isn't constantly wondering if the person is going to come bursting thru at any moment. No my little mushroom, this door has been locked on the inside, so I can scribble away.
When we first started we were a whirlwind of fun mayhem. We were both the same in a lot of ways...adventurous, restless, and had an endless amount of pride to the point that we felt we were above it all.
I was a bored, free spirited girl full of angst yet brave enough to divorce her mother and not blink at the chance to seize the independence that came with it. You, you were curious, bored, and willing. I had grown weary with boldly making statements alone..and you were repressed just waiting for an outlet along with the right accomplice to help you 'fuck the world' and together we were a dangerous combination.
We were inseparable, almost as if we were tethered at the hips. We'd talk about where we'd been, where we were going, and how easy it would be to get there. You didn't care where u went as long as comfort and money came with it. I..however. was one of the rare people that could excel in any path presented before me which also made it hard for me to pick one. I bored easy and anything that took my freedom tended to make me shy from it eventually...talented or not. But which ever path I did pick, I saw us taking it together....before we fell.
It was somewhat my fault, looking back. My mind was so ready to take flight at any moment, always willing to take whatever path I needed to take solo to prepare me for later in life. I never stopped to think how it would effect you. You were around me so much and we had so much fun experiencing and learning new things that I had completely forgotten that you were a mushroom. And exotic one...but a mushroom all the same.
But as I resurfaced ready to rejoin the world...better for my solo journey I had hope...somewhat confident that my worry was in vain. Cooking, was one of the many things that I was good at, and I knew how mushrooms tended to work. You had simmered and boiled in who I was, and who we were for years. There was no way you couldn't have absorbed the flavor of independence along with the spices of strength that made you the friend you were. We were as close as expected, yes we could have gone further but I have this little crux in my design that disables me from giving or showing a part of myself that I'm not willing to show everyone. And its very rare to find someone that notices the crux enough to care about it. and in ways you were perfect because you didn't care as long as I fulfilled my friend duties. And I'm thankful, because it all could have gone all wrong.
I thought you were going to be one of the most incredible people I ever had in my life, and I was extremely dissapointed. Not to see that you had "replaced" me (and I use that term loosely because I can't be replaced) but because I could barely recognize who was in front of me that day in the store. You not only lost your flavors...but absorbed all the wrong new ones. You were selfish, self centered, and rude. All things you were before and accepted because I loved you. But became unbearable in the new you. That curiosity you had was replaced with arrogance, that willingness to listen and learn masked behind smoke fumes , your moral beliefs cast aside for the  careless whims of the YOLO generation.
I am speaking in truth and not in bitterness because you were many terrible things.. but you were also able to be one of the nicest and caring people at times. Even your concept of loyalty, though it was an interesting contradiction of who you were it was amazing all the same. And enough for me to attempt to continue because we had a history.
It didn't end well to say the least. The more I continued to become familiar with "new you" the harder it was to be around you especially hearing and seeing things that made me question your intent, but it wasn't until I found out that old you was ingeunine that I  pulled the plug for good. History wasn't enough anymore.
But in the end...I don't even know if the beginning was worth it. There I nothing that bothers me more than when I putmy time and effort into something potentially good only for it to turn out to be anything but. But that's my fault, ill admit that I didn't love you for the person you were but the potential you had. Now that I look back I think most people love you for your potential,the raw spark of energy stuck in a vast void waiting to be harnessed and stabilized, because you could be so much more than the woman I last saw.
I wish you well in life....
-Apathy

• at 3:37 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Letters I can never send: To my Former Paramour

I am writing it this way... because that is pretty much what it is. I know that we were never legally married, but you always referred to what we had this way... so lets go.

The legal stuff is done. Immediately I am reminded of you telling me, many times before we were married, that it wasn't just about a wedding, but the rest. And it strikes me that there isn't a correlate of a wedding for the legalities of divorce.

But I think there ought to be. A ritual untying of a frayed knot.

In May, after everything had happened, I drove out to 'our spot' and walked around that peaceful place, where we had once been so full of hope, when we spoke eloquent words, and made promises, brimming with rude ambition for a relationship that had the odds stacked against it from the start.

It was there, that I made the decision to continue forward. That my limit of forgiveness had been reached and I had grown tired. If I were being honest, our relationship still holds some of best days of my life. We may not have been Romeo and Juliet, but there are compensations: nobody died right?

One of the most touching surprises of telling my family that we were officially no more has been the sadness of my family that our marriage didn't go the distance. Now despite the fact that they don't know the full extent of our troubles as a couple, It has been good and healing to be reminded that once upon a time, we loved each other. I also remain resolute that we had more adventures in our years plus months than many people fit into a lifetime.

Yet you and I also know that individually, and collectively, we failed. There are words we cannot take back, actions we can't undo, stains and blemishes that won't rub out or fade, or look good in any light.

Then again, so much of who I am now, especially the parts I really like, I am because of you, because you loved and nurtured those aspects, and because of our marriage. Almost every time I see a film, watch plays, read certain books and listen to new music, I often wonder what you would make of it, what we would have discussed.

It's crazy how calm I can think about all of this and not be attacked by the normal surge of emotions, that need to go to you. How I can write this without bitterns in my heart or the slightest moisture in my eyes.

It has been a little over two months since we legally separated.Though you didn't seem to take the surprise well at first, I am enormously proud that we have gone our own ways without acrimony or bitterness, but with kindness and respect( at least I think you feel that way).

Having reneged on our promises, I'd like to make three wishes on untying the knot.

My first wish is that we both come out of this not just wiser and stronger, but nicer people too. The second is that we both learn some life-changing lessons from what went wrong, and make sure we don't repeat avoidable errors. That would be the real tragedy. And my last wish is that we both find that elusive "happy-ever-after" with someone else.



Love to you, and the best of luck on this next leg of your journey.



Apathy

• at 8:03 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Letters I can never send: To My Unforeseen

What to think? What to feel? How to react?

Hmm... It was all too easy to use the 'Death of a Dream' method in this situation. This route was instinctual, I mean, I literally wrote it. But, if I were going to be honest to myself, I would say something along the lines of....

I love you... keep that in mind. And as much as you hate it... I know you. (I know what you show me, and I know what you tell me. If I get it wrong from that then it's your fault for presenting it to me the way you have for the past few years.) So in all the time I have known you I have never seen you fully 

No. 
As I stare at the five handwritten pages I scribbled pertaining to you, it seems somewhat cowardice to post it here, for the world to read before you do. Since you insist on a blog strike i suppose it doesn't matter anyway, but.... This isn't how I am going to do this one with you. You have already seen too much of me for me to communicate with you through a letter. I'll most likely never hand this too you, but one day... when and if you're ready. I'll share it. It'll only be an ask away. 

Love you,

Apathy

• at 7:18 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Letters I can never send: To my Webmaster of Truths

It's funny how it took me getting you out of my house and on a plane to DR to be able to put my thoughts together enough to even attempt to write this. And though you aren't an inanimate object and I very well can give you this letter I won't. Mainly because you'll just tell me that "my girl is showing.." after you read it, because who in the hell writes letters anymore right? But here goes, in the spirit of what you do best...

The first thing you did when we met all those years ago was PLAN YOUR WEB PRESENCE. You picked your domain name and decided how invested you wanted to be in the development of our friendship. You had two options before you. You could choose to DO IT YOURSELF, which would require more work, or the GO PRO option. Though you would consider this step BBI( boring but important) it was a new approach for me all together.You chose the DIY approach, thought it would require you to look at all the angles, what appealed visually, as well as the functionality, all the while staying persistent enough to work through the rough spots.

You CHOSE YOUR TOOLS well, picking the host with enough bandwidth to support who we bother were as well as a FTP secure enough to keep our secrets between us. Our foundation was 'truths', and you MADE KEY DESIGN DECISIONS as we shared them. We kept it clean, concise, and didn't waste our words. You LEARNED THE CODE but only what you needed to know, respecting my boundaries on what I chose not to share.

I know it had to be frustrating when you right clicked, selected view source, then view page source, and left clicked, only to see that my code was one long unbroken block as opposed to the line by line layout that you normally preferred. Nevertheless you were patient enough to sort through it anyway.

Next you had to IDENTIFY THE BEST SOFTWARE to use. WYSIWYG would have been the easiest, but in knowing that there are several truths within a simple truth you were stuck with the HTML way. And I wouldn't be me if I didn't occasionally, TAKE CONTROL OVER THE LOOK, FEEL, AND FUNCTION of our friendship. Though I had to say that I was pleased when I say there was growth potential, and you even left a space for feedback.

You OPTIMIZED FOR SEARCH ENGINES, the most challenging yet potentially rewarding task in a friendship. Your ability to perfectly position yourself so that whenever I needed something and I searched through my archive of friends based on the situation and their ability to help, you were one of the top on every list of options is quite a feat. But you wouldn't be you if you couldn't make this look easy.

Once you PUT ALL THE PARTS TOGETHER and TOOK THE SITE LIVE it was the last step that impressed me. CONSTANTLY TENDING TO THE SITE. You tweaked and adjusted as needed, your ultimate test over the last month.

You weren't use to seeing a really emotional side of me, since our 'truths' were very direct and factual for the most part, but you handled it well. Though I was expecting the harsh jab in the arm accompanied by the 'man up' I've seen you give to others, all I received were a few 'This is interesting...'s and 'this is definitely a new side of you's Which I appreciate.You're amazing , and I thank you.

Your 'bro 4 life'
Apathy

• at 6:20 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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On the 100th floor of Apathy Inc....

It was late, well ino the 3rd hour of a new day. The 100 story corporate building was pretty much silent. The workers? Asleep at home, or...out causing mayhem on the town since Friday nights seemed to bring out peoples wild sides. Something about not having anyone to answer to the next day I suppose.
But up there, on the very top floor, in the grandiose conference room adjoined to my office sat me. The CEO Apathy herself, burning the night oil with my most trusted execs, it was here, at this hour, when the world below slept, that we made the decisons that would guide the day to day operations of Apathy Inc......


The file read the same as it did last quarter. Our sister company's education fund was bottoming out and it was now up to debate on whether or not we would stop her from going bankrupt.
"If we do a bailout we will most likely have to do another next quarter." Gut, my 40 year old co head of security mainly with a knack for being right reasoned.
Conscience, my head of ethics, rolled her eyes at him. "You're missing the point, it's our sister company and our only ally. She's been around since we started."
"Your thoughts body?" I asked putting out no opinion of my own. I learned quickly that it was best to be just a face, and trust my team to be the best at what they did.
Body looked up at me through small framed glasses. Even in the late hour she was pefectly groomed her hair slicked back in a perfect bun, controled, you could never tell what she was thinking from facial expressions alone. She never formally adressed anyone without discussing what was best with her colleages. PR wise, she tended to be on the flawless side. That's why I never hesitated to let her be the voice of the company.
"It goes against my instinct not to bail out. Brain can we afford it?"
Brain looked thru our own financial profile. He was the head of financial, HR, record keeping the works, but where he really shined was working security alongside Gut. His former sniper training and military background made him an expert at soft entry, and he preffered this approach better than Guts "hostile takeover" method. I needed them for balance. "We can cover the bail out,but our own expansion will take ahit."
"That's irrelevant, we have investments in enough projects that our own expansion can afford to be postponed." Conscience added.
Paura sat at th end of the table timidy taking notes of the meeting, the only time she tended to speak was when there was a chance something could go wrong. She raised a finger getting my attention, "miss apathy, what if all of our baskets lose their eggs at once and we need bailing out? We won't have the reserves to--"
"Grow a pair and vote Paura. You only talk about depressing stuff...." Libido snapped impatiently. She hated meetings that didn't involve her.
Her outburst made poor Paura jump. "You are a very important part of the team Paura. You give Brain something to think about." I reassured before turning to Libido to admonish her, "Do you have something constructive to add Libido?"
"It's Priscilla..." she boldly corrected rolling her eyes at me. She was the only one not in business attire. Her scarlet low cut dress matched the shade ofher lipstick exactly, her hair resting around her face and shoulders in wild curls. "And no. I don't care about this topic, but if I have to vote I'll go with watever Body said." She shrugged and went back to filing her nails.
She always sided with Body. They were best frends, so her vote didn't surprise me.
"Ok so Priscilla, Body, and Conscience vote 'yes' and a definite 'no' for gut. Brain? " I asked growing weary of the topic.
Brain was silent for a moment processing everything objectively. "Bail out, she has no other investments, we can logically afford to delay expansion more than she can."
"Ok, so that's four.... We'll bail out our sister comapny and delay expansion." I concluded closing the file.
"Ill make the announcment tomorrow," Body assured.
I pulled out another stack of files and passed it around eachletting them take one. "Next order of business. We have a potential merger...."
Brain was the first to open it, his forehead creasing as he viewed the portfolio. Body perked up at the mention of 'merger' alone, not even looking a the file yet. Priscilla's face remained bored as she took the new folder. "Please let this one at least be beneficial to us..." She sighed hopeful. She rarely found challenge in her work these days.
Conscience opened her file skimming only the title before slamming it shut. The wind from it blowing her bangs upward. "Move for dismissal...."
This made Priscilla curious. She opened her file, the only file she opened all night and a mischevious grin flashed across her face. "Do it."
"Its up for discussion, not for voting yet." I clarified. "This is serious. Our last few attempts at merging were a waste of time"
Gut lookedit over, "I thought this particular file was settled years ago..."
"Yes filed away back in 05 if I recall correctly." Brain concurred carefully, he always recalled correctly.
Conscience nodded. "Yes we did, so there is no need to bring it back to the table. This was qualified as an ethical issue, and it was sealed and filed away."
"Well things are different now, I see no harm in bringing it to the floor for discussion." Priscilla smiled too innocently.
Paura looked at all of us, nervously biting her nails. "I don't think we should bring this to the floor without Heart being here."
"NO!" Everyone shouted at once.
"Let Heart rest, she's been through a lot the past few years." I explained.
Brain added, "Heartdoesnt have the best judgement, and its late"
Paura understood, she was there for it all, "But... I also think her imput would be more valid than Brain and Gut's in this. She's going to be really mad if we do this without her."
"She's irrational," Gut sighed. "I don't need to remind you of last time."
Everyone looked away from each other at the memory. Paura hiding a wince. "She bought us useful information..." Conscience mused.
"And almost destroyed Apathy Inc. In the process". Brain added.
Priscilla extended her hands pushing down air in a gesture to bring down the tension. "Whoa, calm it down. Were talking about a merger here. That's me and Body's department. We don't always involve Heart. No big deal."
"No, it is a big deal" Paura argued. " Miss Apathy tell them."
I hesitated, for once joining in on their meeting, no longer a mediator. "Um..."
Body looked up at me, her eyes judging. " We are just talking about a merger here right Apathy?"
"Thisone is a very big deal...." I answered criptically.
Guts eyes widened, "A Merger of equals?"
I shook my head.
Brain caught on immediately. " An aquisition?"
I nodded. "Quite possibly."
There was murmuring amongst the execs and I could distinctly hear Paura repeat her suggestion " We need Heart..."
"We shouldn't involve Heart until were sure that --" My words were cut off by the sound of the conference room door swinging open.
There Heart stood, sleepily rubbing her eyes in her long white cotton nightgown. "What are you guys doing up here?" Her soft voice inquired.
Everyone stared at her like they just got caught with their hands in a cookie jar. Even Brain and Gut looked guilty. "Nothing Heart... go back to sleep." I suggested softly, she looked so tired and weak. She shouldn't be up.
"You guys are having a meeting..." She accused looking around at the files in front of us. "How could you have a meeting without me?" Her voice was hurt, but that was Heart...always taking things personal.
Brain's eyes softened at the small girl. "Its our job to protect you Heart." It was always odd to hear him use something other than logic and objectivity, to coddle. But all of he execs had a soft spot for little Heart. She was frail, and if she went out, Apathy Inc would be no more.
Heart pouted, her button nose wrinkling in distaste as she turned what Brain said over in her head. The chocolate pools in her eyes were an exact mirror of her feelings. "I don't want to be protected, I want to be included." She demanded coming in, her mousy voice strong, but tired. There were no extra chairs and she didn't hesitate to come sit in my lap. I didn't mind holding her, atleast in my arms I knew she was safe.
She glanced down at the file infont of me, and I could feel her tense in my lap as she read it. Everyone watched her warily as they reopened their folders.
"Who wants to start?" Heart asked taking over the meeting.


To be continued.......

• at 4:06 AM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Letters I can never send: To my Heart

Dear heart,
Ok, it is time you and me had a talk. I'm ready to explain the last 11 years of bitchy eye rolling, regular silent treatment, and outright war between us. You must wonder why we can now sit here holding hands like you didn't put gum in my hair in the sixth grade, or pull a chair out from underneath me laughin as you stole my boyfriend away when I was 18 even after Brain and Gut told you not to. (Deny those all you want you SO did...)
Until very recently, I hated you for being a rotten wingman in the romace department as well as the rest of my life. I wanted Chanel, you delivered Eau de Gangrene. There it is.
Our trouble began when you set my expectations all wrong early in life. You were always athletically giftef at the sisterly, and the father daughter thing. I still don't see how you did it, toughing out the simultaneous implosions while securing a "father" for a girl that had never laid eyes on her own, while securing that my siste and I emerged as kindered spirits on the other side.
Even my cousins in the beginning got an honorary sister status as a result of your talent. To this very day I can pick up a photo of 'daddy' and you can make me tear up andget all mushy on the inside. Thank you really. You made my life easier for the first 12 years.
Which is why heart, I falted you-- and wanted to scrape you out with a grapefruit spoon-- in the romance dept, and everything else you were dead weight.
Brain and Gut had to work double shifts to keep your dumbass safe because you were too naieve to protect yourself. Do you now how much that overtime cost me? Two special forces agents trained in soft entry,demolition, weapons, and hand to hand combat don't come cheap. I mean Gut was a medic and Brain was a sniper for heavens sake!
But I must hand it to you heart.....oh you idiotc earnest believer you. You're resourceful. Somehow your 12 year old 4 foot frame somehow managed to escape that 100 ft tower guarded by 2 men in their 40s wt over 20 years experience in a sundress and barefoot no less. And by the time they found you again it was too late. Yu saw an angel face and assumed it reflected the tenor of the heart lurking within.
I couldn't believe it when you threwthe tantrum, kicking and screaming as Gut and Brain tried to haul you back to your tower. Eventually they threw their hands in the air and let you have your way. You were wrong. He may have been a cheater but you were 3 timing with Brain, Gut, and Libido kying to the three of them to get their trust which makes you no better. Bad girl! Look where it got you. Your 5 year record is what caused me to do a total brand recall of the body last year. I finally held you accountable for your crimes heart, and I cut you out of the picture. I just couldn't trust you.
Yet here we sit now, like bffs over coffee. Why? The jedi mind trick worked. You pickaxed away at the tower walls and as you did you finally learned what youwere trying to teach me. It was MY job to engage Brain, Gut, Libido, and Body because you're all heart! Duh. I wasn't using all that is me to take care of you. And you deserve better.
So thank you. Thank you for resisting me when I tried to declare you closed. Thank you for inspiring me to include you in the decisions. You became a woman over the last 5 years and you were made even more beautiful by the emotional stretch marks.
Love you,
Apathy

• at 4:40 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Musings of the JECTED: Closing

I am nearly 100 percent positive that my readers have noticed the fact that most of my blogs the past month have been following a certain theme. Yes 'JECTED' has has been the suffix of choice for the past few weeks, and I picked it for a specific reason. the root 'ject' means literally "to throw" and there isn't a single person out there that hasn't been thrown in some way in life, hell I am willing to bet many. 

I personally have been:

Dejected

Rejected(2)

Objected

Retrojected

Abjected*

Subjected*

Conjected*

I have shared 9 of my own musings in life in this jected series... well 3 are pending publish... but I do plan to put them up, only after the people that they involve read them first. But back to topic. I started this all because of one thing...my accident.

As I looked myself over in the mirror a few days after, the discoloration of my skin, the monumental discomfort from even the fastidious of movements, as well as a few lacerations to tell my tale, i remember wondering vacantly if any of the markings would leave a scar. Then i shrugged (mentally...since literally i didn't want to move anything.) and smiled. Because in retrospect I'm lucky, and there is literally no scar that my skin would carry that would compare to the ones I already have.


Everyone has literally had at least ten moments in life where they were 'jected' in some way, and no one walks away from being thrown without some sort of scar to show where you've been. 
Scars are the telltale signs of a wound that has healed. It is the marker for a moment in time that did not go as planned. The funny thing about scars is that regardless of how innocuous or how horrific they are, the fact that it is there means that you healed. That in some way you have recovered from the incident that caused the scar. Bearing the scar does not mean that you are flawed. It does not make any less of a person. Scars are just evidence of life.

A scar tells more of a story than something as pedestrian as a tattoo ever will. A scar comes from living life. Scars pay tribute to survivors, like medals for heroes scars are earned by those who have made it through the fire. 
To be honest, I wouldn’t be interested in a person without scars. Scars are proof that life is worth living and wounds will heal. Scars are beauty meets toughness
and toughness is made of our soul, scars can be read like a map pointing to each characteristic of yourself leading the way to who you truly are.

Read like a history book they can tell our story without words they can speak. The unseen scars I acknowledge even more, because they bare witness to the struggles in the shadows. 

So, keep the scars in mind the next time you're 'jected' in a way. Your scars make you, and there is always beauty in the breakdown.

• at 8:11 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Musings of the twice rejected....

Views on rejection-

Rejection is part of a person's life. Apparently anyone who wants to make it needs to learn to face rejection bravely, gracefully, and frequently.

When you receive a negative response, make sure you learn from it, and that you always have a new project underway, something that will give you hope no matter how many rejections come your way for the previous project.

I am an occasional writer.  When I get inspired, pieces in my dropbox typically seem to fall in the category of love.  I am a firm believer that love exists in many forms: a mother to a child, a friend to a friend,  selfless love leading to action in order to help humanity….as well as of course romantic love.  Many of the famous songs of old are about the passion and perils of romantic love….finding love, heartbreak, the ache of unrequited love….life and literature is ripe with tales and woes of romantic love.  Love may at times seem elusive….and barriers to love exist, as we all know.

I see this truth when I examine myself and my own desire for, and yet skittishness toward, romantic love.  It can be hard, at times, for me to be vulnerable in this area. Rejection is a part of the elusive search for romantic love.  Who likes rejection?  No one.  It is painful and raw.  However, often the process to achieving romantic love will involve rejection, either in dating rejection or in pain from past relationships and break-ups.  Rejection can transcend romantic love, however…. Rejection is a fact of life, whether it be in the career field or more relational in nature.  Vulnerability is needed in order to find romantic love, but all too often walls are put up to safeguard one’s heart, and to not be hurt any more than one has already been hurt.  These walls are problematic, however, and need to be dismantled in order to find a successful outcome in a dating or marital relationship. But... for now theyll stay. 

• at 4:16 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Musings of the retrojected...

Ah... to be retrojected. A word that use to sum up a large bulk of my life, so I am more than familiar with the word. But for those who arent:


retroject [ˌrɛtrəʊˈdʒɛkt]

vb

(tr) to throw or project backwards 

[from retro- + -ject as in project]

retrojection  n

Yes. There have been several times in my life where I have thrown myself backwards on my path to moving forward... all because of the weaknesses that are attached to falling in love. I don't really talk about personal views on love and heartbreak, but I feel the need to now because several people that I love are going through their own personal retrojection issues. Not to mention I seem to have quite a few readers that I don't know, and whose to say they aren't going through or haven't gone through the same.


Broken hearts are perverse little things. Whoever said that “Time heals all wounds” was either ignorant or suffering from denial. Now you could try ingesting your favorite alcoholic beverage, you can dull the pain of a heartbreak, hell, you can drown yourself and purge that sensation. However, the next day you are left to reel from the after effects of your overindulgence. The next day, not only does the pain come back with a vengeance, you’re also besieged with the feeling that the world has just split in two. Sheer discord and bedlam echo in your mind, the pain is ringing in your ears, as you suffer from one colossal hang over.


Time does not heal wounds, it only numbs the ache. It gives you the illusion that everything is over and done with, it gives you the comfort to go on with your life. To live with the pretense that your heart never suffered the blow. Time allows you to bury the memory to the farthest recesses of your mind, that is, of course till that hapless the day that something or someone happens to slash the wound open again.
You can turn to the powers of denial, that it doesn’t hurt, and that you’re over it. You can run, you can hide, you can change your name, and move to some distant continent – but then, broken hearts have the rather odious power to follow you where ever you go. In the end, you will be reduced to the same person that you were the moment it happened. You can try to find somebody new, to somehow allow yourself the chance to start fresh, but then, it does not work out, you are yet again reeling from another crippling sensation, which leaves you wondering why?


Broken hearts are like weeds, no matter how you try to do away with them in haste, they will always keep coming back to suck the life out of your garden. If one is not able to properly come to terms with the feeling, you will never be free from it. The past prevents you from moving on, because you have not found the power to heal from the festering wound in your heart.


So what do you do? Do you keep running away from it, only to collide into same feeling in your quest of denial? Or do you face the demon head on and finally lower it to its grave?


The power to heal can easily be found within ourselves. We spend so much time wallowing in a self imposed state of hell that we don’t see things clearly. We create our own demons after all. No one can truly break your heart unless you give them the power to do so.


Instead of moving on and forging on ahead.We do the dumbest thing, hurt ourselves by looking back…


It’s time to run away. Far away from the grave where the demons of our broken hearts lie resting. It’s time to run away, and leave the place where we have lost ourselves. Most people (as I have been once) are under the misconception that the only place we can find again is with the person we lost ourselves with. And that's not true. Once you lose yourself in a person you will NEVER EVER get that part of you back, so you have to discover a new you. It’s time to run away, and never look back again… It's quite a freeing feeling.

• at 8:45 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Love lost

My personal laptop, ADAM, took a turn for the worst at 3:39 pm yesterday. When he got sick I at first tried to coax him through myself, and after seeing no progress I had immediately rushed him to geek squad to do a complete screw removal so that we could take a look inside, but alas he was too far gone.

 He was a good laptop. I first met him browsing the web  in December at my friends house before Christmas shopping. He had caught my eye from the corner of Facebook and I didn't hesitate to click the Dell add to introduce myself and become better acquainted. December 2011, almost a year ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday. The spark was instant. And though it was a forbidden love, that would send my shopping budget for Christmas through the roof, I desired him as much as he desired me. 

 What can I say? I was drawn to his sleek design, and wide screen though he managed to stay so thin. (Yes size matters.)  The way his numpad accentuated his “full” sized keyboard and enabled with GPS as if to tell me “if we love each other we will always be connected” . But most of all, it was his optional color finish. Yes Adam was unafraid to show his feminine side of flowers and purples, even pink if i deemed it my desire, though he was manly enough to handle an AMD Quad Core A8-3500M APU2.4Ghz processor. 

 I couldn’t stop thinking about him, though my friends  insisted I get him out of my head, that I could find someone better at best buy. Forbidden desire or not, I needed him. So I paid whatever it took total of 799.99 to get him back to GA with me, to my house, and subsequently into my bedroom. We were perfect together. My friends would jealously hover over us telling me how lucky I was, that we were a cute couple, and to hold on to him, because he was unique. But I didn’t need their approval, he had already captured my heart, customized just for me. 

 At first, I was afraid to love, I had been hurt in the past. I knew laptop love was fleeting and it had been so long since my last commitment, but I told myself that he was special and worth the vulnerabilities and the fear. We would work together, study together, but it was the times that we would goof off watching videos that meant the most. And the nights…. Oh those late nights unable to sleep so I would turn to him for some TLC.  He would let me stroke him for hours until I was no longer bored or eventually fell asleep. He had his faults though, occasionally hed burn my thighs after I exhausted him time and time again. But it was all worth it, even knowing I’d have to say goodbye someday since he only had a few years to live. But I knew I would stay with him until the very end. Never trading him for a new model, though there were several  Apple sluts that attempted to catch my eye.

Years would have been a luxury, but we made seven months mean something. We traveled the together, even made it to Dominican Republic. It was always his dream to go there. And now he’s gone…and I think of all the time wasted in apprehension. I have my work laptop, but it isn't the same... And how I wish that I could take that back and have a little more time. Now the best that I can do is vow that I will never be afraid to love again. I’ll never let the past, the fear of the future, the fear of rejection, or the fear of letting another in effect my relationship. I vow to spend every second I can loving my next laptop, unashamedly and unfaltering.

I LOVE YOU ADAM

• at 4:25 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Musings of the objected.....

"So let go, jump in
Oh well whatcha waiting for
Its alright because
There's beauty in the breakdown."


The fact that pain is one of the most beautiful manifestations of the human condition is often littlecomfort when, say your foot is stuck under the dresser you've just dropped on it. But the song lyrics still rang true.
Now I'm farrrrr from a sadist but for some reason I feel grateful to be a part of the pain the people around me indure. Its not actually that I cause the suffering..because I don't. But its something about them allowing me to see them at their most vulnerable time that shows me that the are truly alive. That moment when they feel the gut wrenchin emotion can be like finding a pulse on a person whose been flat lining as the people aroun them squeeze their eyes tight and hold their breaths. I just wish I could find that for myself, someone that can be truly find the beauty in my breakdown as opposed to shying away from it.


To be fair, many people I know have endured their fair share of pain. They’re brave as hell. And I won’t go so far as to say that each of them should count their blessings every night that they have suffered, because I hate to see anyone I care about hurting. But there is something truly spectacular about pain, something magical almost.


We rage against it, our minds drawing their whips and lashing out against it’s arrival. But still it comes, sneaking in at just the moment we let our shoulders relax. Suddenly, it’s there.


Sometimes that pain is bright and colorful, a spectacle in the night sky, illuminating the murky air. Sometimes it’s penetrating, a deep ache that moans from within. Sometimes we don’t know it’s there, hiding in the recesses of our souls, until suddenly we do, and we can no longer not look. But whatever shape it takes, however deep it’s roots reach, our pain is our smelling salts, drawing us awake and out of the unconscious abyss.


As hard as we rail against it, we are no match for pain. But suffering – that’s another story.
Pain we must endure because that’s the cost of admission to humanity. But suffering is a choice, one that comes when we do all the raging and resisting and foot stomping. When we boil it down, we might think of suffering as the experience of pain plus fear.


It’s what happens when we tell ourselves, “I just can’t bear it!” We regail ourselves with stories of how we’re not strong enough, this is too much, we don’t deserve to feel this – or maybe we do – and that we just cannot go on living if it’s going to be this way. Suffering looks like pushing away, when pain calls for pulling in – pulling in our strongest resolve to feel.


It's either I'm the only one that views pain this way... or my pain is so intense no one can stomach it. In my eyes it's like standing on the shore with your shins covered in water, your back to the vastness of the ocean. If we stand there long enough, letting the waves build and build and continuing to stare at the shore, we know what will happen – we’ll inevitably be knocked over. And that will hurt. But if we can just turn around, will ourselves to look at the “monster” that is working to knock us over, we see that there’s actually a sea of beauty awaiting us. And we can decide to gently take a step back – or even a step forward – bending our body so as to ride the waves rather than succumb to them.


In order to really see me you have to face the wave.

• at 7:07 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Musings of the rejected....

"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy, I could have won."

One of my most favorite lines of all time. Mainly because it describes how I feel completely.

I honestly don't think there was ever a time that I didn't have a wall around my self in some way. There was no tragic event in my childhood that triggered mental self defenses, but even at a young age, there they were, several walls that kept everything that was essentially me hidden from the world. 

In my early years, though I had no reason for them, the walls allowed me to feel protected. And as i entered through situations where a girl like myself could have literally been destroyed, I was even grateful for them. At one with the titanium fortresses that protected my heart, mind, and body I interacted in life well. So well that many people didn't even notice I had them up at all. 

I realized quickly in life that most people were easily pacified. A smile and a laugh here, good advice and a lending ear there. Since humans as a whole are more self involved than we like to admit as long as their immediate need for you is met they don't inquire further. 

Every now and then I would get people that cared enough to attempt to dig a little deeper, and I would let them through a gate or two but found myself disheartened when they became complacent how far they got. Like something as general as learning my middle name or as infinitesimal as what foods I like or don't like really cracked the code that is me. And the more disheartened I got the more apathetic. Then love drove me the rest of the way.

Do I find myself hopeless...no.

Just for the time being there is no cause that has made me passionate enough to make me fight for, and for right now my own worst enemy is my lack of interest.

• at 4:36 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Musings of the dejected...

I can honestly say that I had never been as vulnerable with another person in my entire life than I was that night. I can honestly say that for one brief moment the labyrinth of  walls and doors that secured my feelings and thoughts endured an unexpected paradigm shift where they became nonexistent and my eyes became the unlimited fenestration into my heart. 


What sparked it? I can only speculate, but I know one thing is for sure. It scared the hell out of me. That I was willing to offer myself so easily. To not think. To not take the time to realize that there is no way. Upon refection I know that it's all or nothing with us, and that i can't let him...or myself dive into a situation where I'm so tired that I am not even sure I have anything left of myself to give. 


Be a friend first and foremost...and return the walls. 


A sad day it is when you must walk away from something you want because you're scared you might be the one to hurt it. 

• at 5:48 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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20/10 vs 20/2

I see a lot more than other people.....I have 20/10 vision. Fact. Then why isn't it that I coulnt see something that was in my face. Biggest lie I ever said.... "I knew it" but in honesty...I didn't know at all. What the hell.

My vision may be 20\10 but my hindsights 20\2 .... and I've never regretted anything I've willingly done.  And I'm somewhat insulted.

• at 11:27 AM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Out of my system

A life without love is not really a life at all
It's always hard to stand, when you're too afraid to fall
My back's against the wall, my world is getting small
Then what do you know; it is you that I call, so were...
Back in the same position
Back with the same decision
Back again, but this time, nobody listens
It's happens so often, it's bound to get old 
It's easy to fall in love, but it's difficult to let go
And we both know, that'll never be an option
Too deep in love to dig ourselves out from the bottom
With out I can't manage, so you always take advantage 
Why do people take the best things in life for granted?
The games that we are playing are the same ones we are losing
And there's other guy's and girl, but each other we keep choosing
What the hell are we doing? We're leaving us smothered
Push each other to the gutter, so we never love another
I know you ain't good for me,I ain't good for you either
But no matter what we say, I know you need me like I need ya'
So what the hell do you do when you're too blinded to care
That the person of your dreams turns to your nightmare
You keep acting so naïve, saying I'm not who you need 
Then you drop down to your knees, and plead for me not to leav
You tell me that you love me, then you tell me that you hate me
Then you calling me your problem, then you calling me your baby
And lately it feels like, my whole world is going crazy
I love that you can change me, but I hate what you have made me
Sacrificed all of my pride, just to have you by my side
But the truth always hurts, when you're living a lie
But I, don't even care, my heart won't ever listen
Love is just a word, but you bring it definition
I don't wanna see you go, I don't wanna have you stay
I don't wanna live tomorrow, if I can't have you today

• at 5:45 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Apologies... I hate them. But ... let's do it.

So speaking for myself, apologizing is a hard thing to do, especially when I feel the person I'm apologizing to owes me an apology as well.  But I KNOW THIS… when it’s all said and done, it’s not about me... fully.  On my infinite quest for knowledge, I came across a book by Beverly Engel called The Power of Apology.  In the book, I saw a quote that fit well to what I’m about to say.  She stated, “Some people may see apologizing as a pride thing—a sign of weakness.  They think it will hurt them in some way, but if you don’t acknowledge the offense, it can be insulting for the other person.”  I must remember that even though I may not agree with the fact that I are apologizing, apologies are healing.  They give each person the opportunity to forgive and it will help mend the relationship. Yeah... I don't apologize unless I MEAN it. 

What sucks is... I can apologize when I feel I did something wrong, or see the error in my ways. And in this case I do. But at the same time I am attempting to apologize to a person that tends to be all or nothing (Just like me). And how the fuck do I phrase an apology that is truthful and earnest and yet hide what upset me in the first place. I can never fully broach the subject so I can never get the full apology. Hmm what does Engel say?

What to Say?
The most important things when apologizing are your intentions and your attitude.  In order to apologize with meaning, you have to let go of the reason you were angry or hurt in the first place.  Holding on to negative feelings will defeat the purpose of the apology.  “If your apology doesn’t come across as sincere, it will be meaningless,” says Engel, who describes these three essential points to make when apologizing:

1. Recognize your relationship with the person.  Realizing how important the friendship/relationship is to you will impact how powerful your apology will be.  If you feel like this person or situation was the “last straw,” then bid the person good-bye.  But if you know you truly care about the situation, then do something about it.

Ok. I care alot, and it wasn't completely his fault.... So I can swallow my pride and part of my ego to initiate the bridging. 

2. Express regret.  “When saying you’re sorry, show compassion and empathy,” says Engel.  “You know that your action hurt someone.”  Take responsibility by showing the person you know it was your fault, even if you felt wronged too.  “And be sure not to somehow blame the other person,” says Engel.  You should always make sure you convey understanding for the pain you’ve caused.

Wrong, I can never take full fault if I was genuinely upset at something. Also I feel like when compassion, empathy and so one are too emotional. I would prefer to just tell the facts. "You did this, I did this. I apologize for this, and I fuck up here, so my bad too, but you did this." Emotions tend to make things more complicated.

3. Find a remedy.  Replacing what was lost or broken or finding another way to make it up to the person can speak volumes.

Um. Right. Time can't be replaced, and over trying to make up for mistakes tends to annoy me, so I'm sure it would annoy someone else. I think jumping through hoop to show ruefulness with probably jsut make them RUE the fact that they gave you another chance.

What Happens Next?
Once you apologize, be patient with the response.  Sometimes, the person may not be open to this right away, but give it time.  If they care about the friendship/relationship that was once there, then they’ll forgive and forget.  Yes, it would be easier for you if the person accepted your apology immediately, but that doesn’t always happen.  “Don’t put pressure on the other, because that could ignite anger again,” Engel says.  And if the person doesn’t accept your apology right away, try another way of apologizing.  Keep in mind, a letter can help.  “A letter gives the other person time to digest: s/he may reject it at first, but over time there is more of a chance that s/he will forgive,” she adds.

Engel obviously doesn't have a bromance. I do agree with being patient and giving it time to marinade, see where they PLACE you back in their life tan trying to just pick up where you left off. But trtying another way to apologize isn't going to make them forgive you faster. Get your message across the first time and if it was meant to happen it will. Trying to find more ways to say sorry is PUTTING PRESSURE on the other person. As far as a letter. lol. If it works sure. But I'm not sending out a heartfelt saga to a person that I'm not even sure if they'll say hey to me yet. Me an my sister have a blog that is literally letters ppl sent us just like that.  In hindsight it may seem harsh, but nothing is without reason. 

Fuck Engel. I'll jsut give the realest apology I can ever give.

• at 4:00 AM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Seeking

There is more than one truth. There are many truths. Or, there is one truth that is found in many, many places.

I wrote a post on my other blog a little while back about reconciling, reconciling my past with my present and future, and now I am thinking about reconciling truths.

There must be a way to reconcile all that is true to all else that is true. There must be a way to hold it all, to follow the unique path that will result, to know truth deeply and completely.

This is my quest.

• at 11:24 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Realest advice I'll ever give... APPROACH IS EVERYTHING

I must begin this post by telling you a little story, all of it true.

The other night, when driving around south ATL, I had to stop at a red light. While sitting there, I heard someone talking and looked around. I quickly realized it was the guy in the passenger’s seat of the car next to me, and he was talking. . . . to me. Unfortunately, we made eye contact. I tried the whole smile-and-look-away tactic, trying to be polite but not encouraging. This did not work, as he continued to talk, saying “excuse me, excuse me” over and over. I thought for a minute they might be lost and need directions, so I (stupidly) rolled down my window. Directions were not what they needed. The guy informed me I was “ cute as hell” and he was “anxious to meet me.” Then he asked if there were any way he could get my number. I shook my head, rolled up the window, and magically, the light changed, making this awkward encounter blissfully brief.

OK, guys, I know most of the guys I know would not use this tactic to try to pick up a girl, because, really, how do you think this is going to work out for you? Do you think this is the best first impression you can make, hanging out of your car window with all you friends trying to get a girl in another car to give you her number? Because I have news for you: it’s not a good idea!

You may mean every word you say, but guys, here’s the truth from a girl: we don’t believe you mean it when you do this, especially in front of all the boys. And while it is oddly flattering that you’re actually making an effort to talk to us, as pitiful an effort that it is, we don’t think you mean it and we don’t think you’re giving us the respect we deserve. Because, really, it’s sort of a low class, trashy way to meet a girl.

On top of that, telling a girl she’s cute is kind of a bad idea. You probably mean it in a nice way, but to a girl, what you’re saying is interpreted as “you’re cute and OK to look at, but definitely not beautiful.” And for all the girls who have been called “cute” all their lives, like me, we’re all well aware that we’re not drop-dead gorgeous—but we’d like to think that there’s one guy out there who thinks that we are. So if you start out with cute, you’re already losing points.

So take this trip into the mind of girl for what it is and think before you ask for some girl’s phone number at the stop light. And. don’t. do. it.

• at 11:19 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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