Musings of the objected.....

"So let go, jump in
Oh well whatcha waiting for
Its alright because
There's beauty in the breakdown."


The fact that pain is one of the most beautiful manifestations of the human condition is often littlecomfort when, say your foot is stuck under the dresser you've just dropped on it. But the song lyrics still rang true.
Now I'm farrrrr from a sadist but for some reason I feel grateful to be a part of the pain the people around me indure. Its not actually that I cause the suffering..because I don't. But its something about them allowing me to see them at their most vulnerable time that shows me that the are truly alive. That moment when they feel the gut wrenchin emotion can be like finding a pulse on a person whose been flat lining as the people aroun them squeeze their eyes tight and hold their breaths. I just wish I could find that for myself, someone that can be truly find the beauty in my breakdown as opposed to shying away from it.


To be fair, many people I know have endured their fair share of pain. They’re brave as hell. And I won’t go so far as to say that each of them should count their blessings every night that they have suffered, because I hate to see anyone I care about hurting. But there is something truly spectacular about pain, something magical almost.


We rage against it, our minds drawing their whips and lashing out against it’s arrival. But still it comes, sneaking in at just the moment we let our shoulders relax. Suddenly, it’s there.


Sometimes that pain is bright and colorful, a spectacle in the night sky, illuminating the murky air. Sometimes it’s penetrating, a deep ache that moans from within. Sometimes we don’t know it’s there, hiding in the recesses of our souls, until suddenly we do, and we can no longer not look. But whatever shape it takes, however deep it’s roots reach, our pain is our smelling salts, drawing us awake and out of the unconscious abyss.


As hard as we rail against it, we are no match for pain. But suffering – that’s another story.
Pain we must endure because that’s the cost of admission to humanity. But suffering is a choice, one that comes when we do all the raging and resisting and foot stomping. When we boil it down, we might think of suffering as the experience of pain plus fear.


It’s what happens when we tell ourselves, “I just can’t bear it!” We regail ourselves with stories of how we’re not strong enough, this is too much, we don’t deserve to feel this – or maybe we do – and that we just cannot go on living if it’s going to be this way. Suffering looks like pushing away, when pain calls for pulling in – pulling in our strongest resolve to feel.


It's either I'm the only one that views pain this way... or my pain is so intense no one can stomach it. In my eyes it's like standing on the shore with your shins covered in water, your back to the vastness of the ocean. If we stand there long enough, letting the waves build and build and continuing to stare at the shore, we know what will happen – we’ll inevitably be knocked over. And that will hurt. But if we can just turn around, will ourselves to look at the “monster” that is working to knock us over, we see that there’s actually a sea of beauty awaiting us. And we can decide to gently take a step back – or even a step forward – bending our body so as to ride the waves rather than succumb to them.


In order to really see me you have to face the wave.