Fighting

i have fought with myself over love.

i have fought to love,to love hard, and even to be free to love. i have wanted to love people who couldn’t love themselves. i have cared for their growth. i have tried to help them find themselves. i have loved when i could not be loved in return.

i have fought to keep my love silent for fear of being vulnerable and just another silly girl. i never wanted to be just a girl. i have goals and dreams and hopes for myself, and i’ve been taught that love and independence don’t mix. scratch that. not even love. relationships and independence don’t mix. after all, aren’t i supposed to trade my reproductive capacity for protection?

Part of me wants to say fuck this paradigm of diminishing co-dependency and elevating self-reliance. To think depending on someone isn’t a weakness in me. I don’t want to be self-reliant. i want my health, my happiness, my life to be wrapped up in someone elses. i want to build something , for us to grow together, to nourish each other. we are better with each other. we are better on each other, in each other. through each other, we are better.

But apparently though it's a beautiful thing.... its apparently wrong

So i CEASE past, present, and future fights...