Letters I can Never Send: To my readers

 I logged into my blogger account the other day and saw that I had reached a total of 817 followers to date, and over 9000 hits. WOW. I barely even look at the counter since most of my posts are made from my phone, from a random thought during the day when the inspiration to write hits me. So I am sure that you could imagine the look on my face when I logged in via laptop and saw my stats for the first time in almost 7 months on this site. 800? Me? Really? Of all people. Now my work in fictionpress is a tapestry of fiction woven with the silks of my imagination, so I expected the massive amount of readers that I have there, but my blogspot? It's pretty much a dull online diary where I ramble about the world and the way I see it. How could anyone find the way I see the world interesting? Well interesting enough to alert themselves whenever I decided to ramble again. I don't know why, but you did. I owed you guys something so... Notice anything different! Yes you do. NEW SITE. Unlike one of my bros, I am no web designer, but I felt like a different look was needed It's not as tricked out as my wordpress but atleast it won't be as painful to navigate. I sat up, all night (having to work at 6am the next day) and worked with a bro of mine to get my site just right. My own personal thank you.


As an occasional writer, one of the greatest feelings comes from knowing that what you wrote had a positive impact on someone. The ability to relate to others – many of whom live halfway across the globe – has always meant a great deal to me, and so when one of my stories receives a lot of comment, or a blog receives alot of attention, and comments (or even just a few really heartfelt ones), I can’t help but smile. I love when someone tells me that what I wrote means something.

I started blogging at Blogspot years ago because I wanted a place to share my writing openly with the world. Of course, I never thought I’d have more than five readers. After adding a WordPress last year, and a FictionPress, as well as a Fanfiction page , I’ve been able to slowly develop a following and interact with my readers and I've loved it all so far. I love when my fanfiction and fiction press readers message me just see when I will update again, or to ask me why a character acts a certain way, and if there will be a "happily ever after" or when my wordpress  followers share their jungle stories, or debate with me on what works and dosen't.

So far, as a blogger, I’ve learned that the greatest joy in writing is not merely sharing your story with others, but letting those others in to share their stories with you. As much as I love to write on my own time, I would not enjoy blogging nearly as much if I didn’t have such wonderful, interactive and loyal readers as you. Thank you all for making it an experience worthwhile. I hope that as time goes on I will be able to do the same for you!

Thank You,
Apathy

• at 7:15 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Letters I can Never Send: To my Quondam Mushroom

I can write this one with ease. Mainly because our door is closed. Oh how easy it is to form concise sentences when doors aren't revolving, or locked from the outside and my subconcious isn't constantly wondering if the person is going to come bursting thru at any moment. No my little mushroom, this door has been locked on the inside, so I can scribble away.
When we first started we were a whirlwind of fun mayhem. We were both the same in a lot of ways...adventurous, restless, and had an endless amount of pride to the point that we felt we were above it all.
I was a bored, free spirited girl full of angst yet brave enough to divorce her mother and not blink at the chance to seize the independence that came with it. You, you were curious, bored, and willing. I had grown weary with boldly making statements alone..and you were repressed just waiting for an outlet along with the right accomplice to help you 'fuck the world' and together we were a dangerous combination.
We were inseparable, almost as if we were tethered at the hips. We'd talk about where we'd been, where we were going, and how easy it would be to get there. You didn't care where u went as long as comfort and money came with it. I..however. was one of the rare people that could excel in any path presented before me which also made it hard for me to pick one. I bored easy and anything that took my freedom tended to make me shy from it eventually...talented or not. But which ever path I did pick, I saw us taking it together....before we fell.
It was somewhat my fault, looking back. My mind was so ready to take flight at any moment, always willing to take whatever path I needed to take solo to prepare me for later in life. I never stopped to think how it would effect you. You were around me so much and we had so much fun experiencing and learning new things that I had completely forgotten that you were a mushroom. And exotic one...but a mushroom all the same.
But as I resurfaced ready to rejoin the world...better for my solo journey I had hope...somewhat confident that my worry was in vain. Cooking, was one of the many things that I was good at, and I knew how mushrooms tended to work. You had simmered and boiled in who I was, and who we were for years. There was no way you couldn't have absorbed the flavor of independence along with the spices of strength that made you the friend you were. We were as close as expected, yes we could have gone further but I have this little crux in my design that disables me from giving or showing a part of myself that I'm not willing to show everyone. And its very rare to find someone that notices the crux enough to care about it. and in ways you were perfect because you didn't care as long as I fulfilled my friend duties. And I'm thankful, because it all could have gone all wrong.
I thought you were going to be one of the most incredible people I ever had in my life, and I was extremely dissapointed. Not to see that you had "replaced" me (and I use that term loosely because I can't be replaced) but because I could barely recognize who was in front of me that day in the store. You not only lost your flavors...but absorbed all the wrong new ones. You were selfish, self centered, and rude. All things you were before and accepted because I loved you. But became unbearable in the new you. That curiosity you had was replaced with arrogance, that willingness to listen and learn masked behind smoke fumes , your moral beliefs cast aside for the  careless whims of the YOLO generation.
I am speaking in truth and not in bitterness because you were many terrible things.. but you were also able to be one of the nicest and caring people at times. Even your concept of loyalty, though it was an interesting contradiction of who you were it was amazing all the same. And enough for me to attempt to continue because we had a history.
It didn't end well to say the least. The more I continued to become familiar with "new you" the harder it was to be around you especially hearing and seeing things that made me question your intent, but it wasn't until I found out that old you was ingeunine that I  pulled the plug for good. History wasn't enough anymore.
But in the end...I don't even know if the beginning was worth it. There I nothing that bothers me more than when I putmy time and effort into something potentially good only for it to turn out to be anything but. But that's my fault, ill admit that I didn't love you for the person you were but the potential you had. Now that I look back I think most people love you for your potential,the raw spark of energy stuck in a vast void waiting to be harnessed and stabilized, because you could be so much more than the woman I last saw.
I wish you well in life....
-Apathy

• at 3:37 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Letters I can never send: To my Former Paramour

I am writing it this way... because that is pretty much what it is. I know that we were never legally married, but you always referred to what we had this way... so lets go.

The legal stuff is done. Immediately I am reminded of you telling me, many times before we were married, that it wasn't just about a wedding, but the rest. And it strikes me that there isn't a correlate of a wedding for the legalities of divorce.

But I think there ought to be. A ritual untying of a frayed knot.

In May, after everything had happened, I drove out to 'our spot' and walked around that peaceful place, where we had once been so full of hope, when we spoke eloquent words, and made promises, brimming with rude ambition for a relationship that had the odds stacked against it from the start.

It was there, that I made the decision to continue forward. That my limit of forgiveness had been reached and I had grown tired. If I were being honest, our relationship still holds some of best days of my life. We may not have been Romeo and Juliet, but there are compensations: nobody died right?

One of the most touching surprises of telling my family that we were officially no more has been the sadness of my family that our marriage didn't go the distance. Now despite the fact that they don't know the full extent of our troubles as a couple, It has been good and healing to be reminded that once upon a time, we loved each other. I also remain resolute that we had more adventures in our years plus months than many people fit into a lifetime.

Yet you and I also know that individually, and collectively, we failed. There are words we cannot take back, actions we can't undo, stains and blemishes that won't rub out or fade, or look good in any light.

Then again, so much of who I am now, especially the parts I really like, I am because of you, because you loved and nurtured those aspects, and because of our marriage. Almost every time I see a film, watch plays, read certain books and listen to new music, I often wonder what you would make of it, what we would have discussed.

It's crazy how calm I can think about all of this and not be attacked by the normal surge of emotions, that need to go to you. How I can write this without bitterns in my heart or the slightest moisture in my eyes.

It has been a little over two months since we legally separated.Though you didn't seem to take the surprise well at first, I am enormously proud that we have gone our own ways without acrimony or bitterness, but with kindness and respect( at least I think you feel that way).

Having reneged on our promises, I'd like to make three wishes on untying the knot.

My first wish is that we both come out of this not just wiser and stronger, but nicer people too. The second is that we both learn some life-changing lessons from what went wrong, and make sure we don't repeat avoidable errors. That would be the real tragedy. And my last wish is that we both find that elusive "happy-ever-after" with someone else.



Love to you, and the best of luck on this next leg of your journey.



Apathy

• at 8:03 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Letters I can never send: To My Unforeseen

What to think? What to feel? How to react?

Hmm... It was all too easy to use the 'Death of a Dream' method in this situation. This route was instinctual, I mean, I literally wrote it. But, if I were going to be honest to myself, I would say something along the lines of....

I love you... keep that in mind. And as much as you hate it... I know you. (I know what you show me, and I know what you tell me. If I get it wrong from that then it's your fault for presenting it to me the way you have for the past few years.) So in all the time I have known you I have never seen you fully 

No. 
As I stare at the five handwritten pages I scribbled pertaining to you, it seems somewhat cowardice to post it here, for the world to read before you do. Since you insist on a blog strike i suppose it doesn't matter anyway, but.... This isn't how I am going to do this one with you. You have already seen too much of me for me to communicate with you through a letter. I'll most likely never hand this too you, but one day... when and if you're ready. I'll share it. It'll only be an ask away. 

Love you,

Apathy

• at 7:18 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Letters I can never send: To my Webmaster of Truths

It's funny how it took me getting you out of my house and on a plane to DR to be able to put my thoughts together enough to even attempt to write this. And though you aren't an inanimate object and I very well can give you this letter I won't. Mainly because you'll just tell me that "my girl is showing.." after you read it, because who in the hell writes letters anymore right? But here goes, in the spirit of what you do best...

The first thing you did when we met all those years ago was PLAN YOUR WEB PRESENCE. You picked your domain name and decided how invested you wanted to be in the development of our friendship. You had two options before you. You could choose to DO IT YOURSELF, which would require more work, or the GO PRO option. Though you would consider this step BBI( boring but important) it was a new approach for me all together.You chose the DIY approach, thought it would require you to look at all the angles, what appealed visually, as well as the functionality, all the while staying persistent enough to work through the rough spots.

You CHOSE YOUR TOOLS well, picking the host with enough bandwidth to support who we bother were as well as a FTP secure enough to keep our secrets between us. Our foundation was 'truths', and you MADE KEY DESIGN DECISIONS as we shared them. We kept it clean, concise, and didn't waste our words. You LEARNED THE CODE but only what you needed to know, respecting my boundaries on what I chose not to share.

I know it had to be frustrating when you right clicked, selected view source, then view page source, and left clicked, only to see that my code was one long unbroken block as opposed to the line by line layout that you normally preferred. Nevertheless you were patient enough to sort through it anyway.

Next you had to IDENTIFY THE BEST SOFTWARE to use. WYSIWYG would have been the easiest, but in knowing that there are several truths within a simple truth you were stuck with the HTML way. And I wouldn't be me if I didn't occasionally, TAKE CONTROL OVER THE LOOK, FEEL, AND FUNCTION of our friendship. Though I had to say that I was pleased when I say there was growth potential, and you even left a space for feedback.

You OPTIMIZED FOR SEARCH ENGINES, the most challenging yet potentially rewarding task in a friendship. Your ability to perfectly position yourself so that whenever I needed something and I searched through my archive of friends based on the situation and their ability to help, you were one of the top on every list of options is quite a feat. But you wouldn't be you if you couldn't make this look easy.

Once you PUT ALL THE PARTS TOGETHER and TOOK THE SITE LIVE it was the last step that impressed me. CONSTANTLY TENDING TO THE SITE. You tweaked and adjusted as needed, your ultimate test over the last month.

You weren't use to seeing a really emotional side of me, since our 'truths' were very direct and factual for the most part, but you handled it well. Though I was expecting the harsh jab in the arm accompanied by the 'man up' I've seen you give to others, all I received were a few 'This is interesting...'s and 'this is definitely a new side of you's Which I appreciate.You're amazing , and I thank you.

Your 'bro 4 life'
Apathy

• at 6:20 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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On the 100th floor of Apathy Inc....

It was late, well ino the 3rd hour of a new day. The 100 story corporate building was pretty much silent. The workers? Asleep at home, or...out causing mayhem on the town since Friday nights seemed to bring out peoples wild sides. Something about not having anyone to answer to the next day I suppose.
But up there, on the very top floor, in the grandiose conference room adjoined to my office sat me. The CEO Apathy herself, burning the night oil with my most trusted execs, it was here, at this hour, when the world below slept, that we made the decisons that would guide the day to day operations of Apathy Inc......


The file read the same as it did last quarter. Our sister company's education fund was bottoming out and it was now up to debate on whether or not we would stop her from going bankrupt.
"If we do a bailout we will most likely have to do another next quarter." Gut, my 40 year old co head of security mainly with a knack for being right reasoned.
Conscience, my head of ethics, rolled her eyes at him. "You're missing the point, it's our sister company and our only ally. She's been around since we started."
"Your thoughts body?" I asked putting out no opinion of my own. I learned quickly that it was best to be just a face, and trust my team to be the best at what they did.
Body looked up at me through small framed glasses. Even in the late hour she was pefectly groomed her hair slicked back in a perfect bun, controled, you could never tell what she was thinking from facial expressions alone. She never formally adressed anyone without discussing what was best with her colleages. PR wise, she tended to be on the flawless side. That's why I never hesitated to let her be the voice of the company.
"It goes against my instinct not to bail out. Brain can we afford it?"
Brain looked thru our own financial profile. He was the head of financial, HR, record keeping the works, but where he really shined was working security alongside Gut. His former sniper training and military background made him an expert at soft entry, and he preffered this approach better than Guts "hostile takeover" method. I needed them for balance. "We can cover the bail out,but our own expansion will take ahit."
"That's irrelevant, we have investments in enough projects that our own expansion can afford to be postponed." Conscience added.
Paura sat at th end of the table timidy taking notes of the meeting, the only time she tended to speak was when there was a chance something could go wrong. She raised a finger getting my attention, "miss apathy, what if all of our baskets lose their eggs at once and we need bailing out? We won't have the reserves to--"
"Grow a pair and vote Paura. You only talk about depressing stuff...." Libido snapped impatiently. She hated meetings that didn't involve her.
Her outburst made poor Paura jump. "You are a very important part of the team Paura. You give Brain something to think about." I reassured before turning to Libido to admonish her, "Do you have something constructive to add Libido?"
"It's Priscilla..." she boldly corrected rolling her eyes at me. She was the only one not in business attire. Her scarlet low cut dress matched the shade ofher lipstick exactly, her hair resting around her face and shoulders in wild curls. "And no. I don't care about this topic, but if I have to vote I'll go with watever Body said." She shrugged and went back to filing her nails.
She always sided with Body. They were best frends, so her vote didn't surprise me.
"Ok so Priscilla, Body, and Conscience vote 'yes' and a definite 'no' for gut. Brain? " I asked growing weary of the topic.
Brain was silent for a moment processing everything objectively. "Bail out, she has no other investments, we can logically afford to delay expansion more than she can."
"Ok, so that's four.... We'll bail out our sister comapny and delay expansion." I concluded closing the file.
"Ill make the announcment tomorrow," Body assured.
I pulled out another stack of files and passed it around eachletting them take one. "Next order of business. We have a potential merger...."
Brain was the first to open it, his forehead creasing as he viewed the portfolio. Body perked up at the mention of 'merger' alone, not even looking a the file yet. Priscilla's face remained bored as she took the new folder. "Please let this one at least be beneficial to us..." She sighed hopeful. She rarely found challenge in her work these days.
Conscience opened her file skimming only the title before slamming it shut. The wind from it blowing her bangs upward. "Move for dismissal...."
This made Priscilla curious. She opened her file, the only file she opened all night and a mischevious grin flashed across her face. "Do it."
"Its up for discussion, not for voting yet." I clarified. "This is serious. Our last few attempts at merging were a waste of time"
Gut lookedit over, "I thought this particular file was settled years ago..."
"Yes filed away back in 05 if I recall correctly." Brain concurred carefully, he always recalled correctly.
Conscience nodded. "Yes we did, so there is no need to bring it back to the table. This was qualified as an ethical issue, and it was sealed and filed away."
"Well things are different now, I see no harm in bringing it to the floor for discussion." Priscilla smiled too innocently.
Paura looked at all of us, nervously biting her nails. "I don't think we should bring this to the floor without Heart being here."
"NO!" Everyone shouted at once.
"Let Heart rest, she's been through a lot the past few years." I explained.
Brain added, "Heartdoesnt have the best judgement, and its late"
Paura understood, she was there for it all, "But... I also think her imput would be more valid than Brain and Gut's in this. She's going to be really mad if we do this without her."
"She's irrational," Gut sighed. "I don't need to remind you of last time."
Everyone looked away from each other at the memory. Paura hiding a wince. "She bought us useful information..." Conscience mused.
"And almost destroyed Apathy Inc. In the process". Brain added.
Priscilla extended her hands pushing down air in a gesture to bring down the tension. "Whoa, calm it down. Were talking about a merger here. That's me and Body's department. We don't always involve Heart. No big deal."
"No, it is a big deal" Paura argued. " Miss Apathy tell them."
I hesitated, for once joining in on their meeting, no longer a mediator. "Um..."
Body looked up at me, her eyes judging. " We are just talking about a merger here right Apathy?"
"Thisone is a very big deal...." I answered criptically.
Guts eyes widened, "A Merger of equals?"
I shook my head.
Brain caught on immediately. " An aquisition?"
I nodded. "Quite possibly."
There was murmuring amongst the execs and I could distinctly hear Paura repeat her suggestion " We need Heart..."
"We shouldn't involve Heart until were sure that --" My words were cut off by the sound of the conference room door swinging open.
There Heart stood, sleepily rubbing her eyes in her long white cotton nightgown. "What are you guys doing up here?" Her soft voice inquired.
Everyone stared at her like they just got caught with their hands in a cookie jar. Even Brain and Gut looked guilty. "Nothing Heart... go back to sleep." I suggested softly, she looked so tired and weak. She shouldn't be up.
"You guys are having a meeting..." She accused looking around at the files in front of us. "How could you have a meeting without me?" Her voice was hurt, but that was Heart...always taking things personal.
Brain's eyes softened at the small girl. "Its our job to protect you Heart." It was always odd to hear him use something other than logic and objectivity, to coddle. But all of he execs had a soft spot for little Heart. She was frail, and if she went out, Apathy Inc would be no more.
Heart pouted, her button nose wrinkling in distaste as she turned what Brain said over in her head. The chocolate pools in her eyes were an exact mirror of her feelings. "I don't want to be protected, I want to be included." She demanded coming in, her mousy voice strong, but tired. There were no extra chairs and she didn't hesitate to come sit in my lap. I didn't mind holding her, atleast in my arms I knew she was safe.
She glanced down at the file infont of me, and I could feel her tense in my lap as she read it. Everyone watched her warily as they reopened their folders.
"Who wants to start?" Heart asked taking over the meeting.


To be continued.......

• at 4:06 AM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Letters I can never send: To my Heart

Dear heart,
Ok, it is time you and me had a talk. I'm ready to explain the last 11 years of bitchy eye rolling, regular silent treatment, and outright war between us. You must wonder why we can now sit here holding hands like you didn't put gum in my hair in the sixth grade, or pull a chair out from underneath me laughin as you stole my boyfriend away when I was 18 even after Brain and Gut told you not to. (Deny those all you want you SO did...)
Until very recently, I hated you for being a rotten wingman in the romace department as well as the rest of my life. I wanted Chanel, you delivered Eau de Gangrene. There it is.
Our trouble began when you set my expectations all wrong early in life. You were always athletically giftef at the sisterly, and the father daughter thing. I still don't see how you did it, toughing out the simultaneous implosions while securing a "father" for a girl that had never laid eyes on her own, while securing that my siste and I emerged as kindered spirits on the other side.
Even my cousins in the beginning got an honorary sister status as a result of your talent. To this very day I can pick up a photo of 'daddy' and you can make me tear up andget all mushy on the inside. Thank you really. You made my life easier for the first 12 years.
Which is why heart, I falted you-- and wanted to scrape you out with a grapefruit spoon-- in the romance dept, and everything else you were dead weight.
Brain and Gut had to work double shifts to keep your dumbass safe because you were too naieve to protect yourself. Do you now how much that overtime cost me? Two special forces agents trained in soft entry,demolition, weapons, and hand to hand combat don't come cheap. I mean Gut was a medic and Brain was a sniper for heavens sake!
But I must hand it to you heart.....oh you idiotc earnest believer you. You're resourceful. Somehow your 12 year old 4 foot frame somehow managed to escape that 100 ft tower guarded by 2 men in their 40s wt over 20 years experience in a sundress and barefoot no less. And by the time they found you again it was too late. Yu saw an angel face and assumed it reflected the tenor of the heart lurking within.
I couldn't believe it when you threwthe tantrum, kicking and screaming as Gut and Brain tried to haul you back to your tower. Eventually they threw their hands in the air and let you have your way. You were wrong. He may have been a cheater but you were 3 timing with Brain, Gut, and Libido kying to the three of them to get their trust which makes you no better. Bad girl! Look where it got you. Your 5 year record is what caused me to do a total brand recall of the body last year. I finally held you accountable for your crimes heart, and I cut you out of the picture. I just couldn't trust you.
Yet here we sit now, like bffs over coffee. Why? The jedi mind trick worked. You pickaxed away at the tower walls and as you did you finally learned what youwere trying to teach me. It was MY job to engage Brain, Gut, Libido, and Body because you're all heart! Duh. I wasn't using all that is me to take care of you. And you deserve better.
So thank you. Thank you for resisting me when I tried to declare you closed. Thank you for inspiring me to include you in the decisions. You became a woman over the last 5 years and you were made even more beautiful by the emotional stretch marks.
Love you,
Apathy

• at 4:40 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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