Forever

Almost everyone I know approaches a new year the same way. They look back over the year that has past, what they like about it, what they dislike, what they want to take with them and what they want to leave behind. This axiom of life no doubt will carry both pain and promise this new year like it did in the last. 

In my own personal look back, I can say that I had more high points than low, I reached more thresholds than I could predict and it was over all amazing. Yet at the same time I'm saddened by certain aspects of it, some that I thought would be there to see it, aren't. 

It's so rare for me to get close to anyone, so when I do I tend to give them the 'forever' tag in my mind yet over the course of 12 months, I went from thinking 'good times with these people will last forever' to 'they aren't even here anymore.' With that happening to me 3 times in the year 2012 it's safe to say that that is the main lesson that I learned. 

Forever. Do we KNOW how long forever is, like seriously? No I don't think we do. I know I obviously don't but we as a group of people seem to use it so casually like we have the slightest inkling. "It took forever to get to work today..." or "I'm going to love this person forever..." 

Forever by today's standards  has to be the shortest period of time ever. Honestly, no one living has ever experienced forever. We can write about it, talk about it, but none of us truly can grasp the concept of forever.  This life doesn't offer us forever, everything we know has a beginning, and an end. We know this and yet we don't want things to change. 

We know change is coming, but at the same time we don't want it. I'm learning that even the good things, tend to not mean anything if there isn't a change. One of the most beautiful songs in the world to me is Flower Duet  preformed by Elina Garanca and Anna Netrebko. Their voices dance in this enthralling harmony that  yearningly, leads you up to a crescendo that sends you over the edge and into a musical rapture when they finally reach it. And then you're saddened, when their whimsical duet lulls out into that coda, then with the feeling of emptiness that comes with ending of the song. It brings a tear to most peoples eyes every time. Because they loved it, and didn't want it to end. 

But. Let's just pretend for one second that Ana could hold that note—the one that fills you with elation— let's say that she could hold it forever. That one beautiful note in the key of B. Eventually that note that she receives such reverence for, the one that we love so much, just becomes dead noise. It's the change in the notes that we listen for. It's the note before it, the note after it, and the one after that that makes that key of B so beautiful. That's how we make music. 

So accept that every moment in our lives won't always be that B but it doesn't make our song any less beautiful. 

• at 10:30 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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You

You have been sent to this world from a world that is much higher. You are here on a mission and you cannot leave until your duty has been fulfilled. You were called forth to be: a light for those who are surrounded by darkness, eyes for those who cannot see, strength for those who are weak, a giver to those who are  in need, and to deliver wisdom to those who seek. You were made to be a leader. This is your greatest gift. This is your essence, your destiny.

You have had a long and painful road leading to your fate. You’ve experienced an even more harrowing journey struggling to resist, and rewrite your calling. Once you realized the severity of your responsibility you wanted nothing to do with it. It frightened you.

Little small you. You thought, “How could someone ask so much of me? Was my life not meant for me?”

At that point, you became frozen on your path before you could even take the first step. You were helpless to conquer the fear you had of yourself and the fear of the unknown. You were impotent in your ability to face your own destiny.  You fled,  hid yourself away from the world, safe and comfortable in your space. Terrified of living a life that was bigger than you. You were selfish and thought “what about me?”  You swam against your own current and masked until you could no longer endure.

You collapsed into what was left of your sanity. You tried to rationalize an end to the madness. The entity of your calling was always with you. Yet in the depths of your deepest heart you knew it was a crucial part of you. Because as much as you tried to hide within the world, you never fit. Without this part, you remain incomplete. Lying and biding has done nothing but stolen time and life from you. This…. mess is what your fear has reduced you to.  This fiasco couldn't have be any further from who YOU truly are called here to be. Realize that by running, you will never be free.

“ Not all those who wander are lost.” -J.R.R Tolkien

From now on, consider yourself a wanderer, you’ve been a wanderer for all of your life. But you’re not lost, merely in search of something great. Something has always been there pulling you in. A cosmic fastening of your soul to something extraordinary. You can feel this energy in every second of your existence. You feel that the great energy pulling you in is the higher you. The you that has finished the journey, still connected with you guiding you through the obstacles of your physical and spiritual life. You whole heartedly want to reach your goal. There is only one way to achieve such tranquility.

You must reach far past your spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental boundaries. You must relinquish your comfort and take the first step on a jagged path of uncertainty. You must be brave in order to be whole. All things must come to an end otherwise nothing would ever get started.

 

• at 5:39 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Motivation

WHAT IS MOTIVATION? IF YOU COULD DESCRIBE IT IN WORDS, WHICH ONES WOULD YOU USE?

I had coffee with a few friends yesterday (well earlier today). Something that I rarely do for two reasons. Reason 1 being, I dislike coffee. Reason 2 being that I dislike coffee shops. They're filled with all packed to the rafters with, a lady with a dog in her purse and oversized sunglasses, cargo shorts mafia idiots, fake life coaches, high tech homeless people, pouty jerks with no sense of others space, and sideways sports car parking douche bags. Now normally I can take these people in small doses, but not in one giant cluster fueled by caffeine and pumps of syrup.

But, that isn't the point. (This is going to be one of those horrible stories that eventually get to the point)

There were a few plus ones in our group yesterday ( a friend of a friend that doesn't quite belong but you're nice too anyway), and as we were sharing news and catching up one of my friends inquired about the progress of my book. 

Now if it were just a cluster of my friends (as opposed to a mixed group of friends, associates, and plus ones) I would have beamed as I gave a full report on the happenings. But since that wasn't the case, I gave a very general and apathetic update. Which of course resulted in the question from the unknowing, 

"You wrote a book?" 

Now if you know me in the real world, you know that I hate focus being on me when there are unfamiliars in the mix. I prefer to watch, I prefer to listen, I prefer to talk about any other topic in the universe besides myself. So my friends weren't surprised when questions directed at me were met with general and concise answers that didn't leave room for elaboration. So when the very brief Q&A was over John, one of the plus ones concluded with 

"With working all the time, I just don't see where you even had time to motivate yourself to write a book, it's amazing." 

He had no animosity in his words, and I could tell he was genuinely complimenting me. So with a smile on my face I just shrugged and said, "Well motivation is really just selfishness held under a positive light. Anyone can do it." 

This is where I get to the interesting part, because the 15 word phrase that I intended to be for me to make light of something someone else say as huge backfired, and a different plus one took offense to my words. 

"Are you saying that anyone that is motivated is selfish?" he asked for clarification.

"In a way." I confirmed before Amanda, our mutual friend attempted to change the subject. 

"I'm an extremely motivated person and I don't think I'm selfish at all." He rebutted.

"Ok, well if that's how you feel." I shrugged attempting to return to my coffee.

"No, no. No no. Explain your reasoning." He demanded.

"Sure, " I shrugged nonchalantly and then went on to explain what motivation was to me. 

That everything we do, every means to an end no matter what the circumstances is fueled by concern with OURSELVES.  Getting something we WANT is our fuel to do EVERYTHING. 

Why do we work hard? To get the things we want, need, or deserve from life. 

Why do we  help people? Because it  makes us feel better. 

Why do we not help people? Because we have to help ourselves before we can help others. 

Why do we attempt to be good people? Because whether you believe in Karma, God, or something else, we all have hopes that it will benefit us in the long run. 

And then he argued, "No because I have helped and done things for people I love with no regard for myself,  purely selfless actions."

HA selfish and selfless are still SELF. Anything we view as a selfless act is really just the fact that we LOVE someone so much that their happiness is our happiness, which still pleases US. As humans, being SELF FOCUSED is in our design and whenever we hear a story of success or triumph the only thing we are thinking is "that can be ME".  I'm not saying it is wrong, but its a truth people rarely see. The fact that we view selfish as wrong is the only thing that makes you not see.

 We went back and forth for a good ten minutes, until he eventually ran out of rebuttals and I won. 

Anywho, I just thought I would share one of the realest debates I've had in a while since I missed blogging. I'll make an effort to do it more. 

Until next time, 

Apathy

• at 12:30 AM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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To Write or not to Write.

Someone once asked Steve Pressfield when a writer became a writer.Was it when you get your book deal? When you sell your first thousand copies? When you hit the best sellers list? When do you get to call yourself a writer? And you know what he said: 

You are when you say you are. Screw what everyone else says.

I have been writing my entire life. For years I've penned stories in notebooks, penciled poetry and songs on napkins, and even typed novels and blogs for the view of the public. Still, I never considered myself a writer, I never fully entertained the idea of doing it for a living, despite the fact that I currently posses a total of 7 novels in my dropbox sitting idle. 

The few people I have shared my creative works with used words like" awesome", "phenomenal", "creative", and "captivating". And I always thought to myself, "these are people that love me so I have to take their opinions lightly." so I continued to refer to my work as an outlet to express emotions.

It wasn't until about 9 months ago, when I allowed a few of my friends to get wrapped up in the world of Genevieve, and her best friends in the Bromance Saga that I actually thought that I something publish worthy. So I sent the manuscript out to a few publishers, 'Little, Brown' , 'Tate' , 'Suspect Thoughts' , and 'Circlet' to name a few. AND I GOT A RESPONSE! Tate showed an interest in the novel, the publisher's assistant that read it told me she found it sexy, funny,and witty. She found Genevieve as a woman who was smart yet ridiculously delusional, but it was REAL (that made me frown a bit). The problem? My ending seemed to lack 'resolution', my characters lacking the closure they needed to keep a reader happy. So it was suggested that I rewrite my ending and resubmit. 

So I took another 2 and a half months, looked at the book from every angle, and wrote my ending over. I let my friends read it over and I got an even bolder reaction from them and I had hit the send button on my re-submission without fear. 

But no. I still didn't have a resolution in their eyes. WTH? What is a resolution? A happily ever after? WHAT DOES TATE WANT FROM ME? I don't write like that. I love writing about love, and rainbows but that isn't life, and I can't force myself to live with that mindset. There won't always be a happily ever after. Why do stories always end with the wedding, why don't they ever tell the fact that Cinderella drove prince charming crazy with her excessive need to clean the castle? I'm only half joking, because anyone that has read my books know I'm able to write the tear jerking love story, I just don't want all of my books to end that way. Is that so wrong? 

Fictionpress and Fanfic have been a really encouraging through this process, because I have followers, strangers, unbiased opinions that literally email and DM me waiting for the next chapter of whatever story they are reading. So I've decided. If I can post the Law series I can also post The Bromance Saga. I posted the first half of it on 9/6/12 and so far  the stats are AMAZING. I'll update it later this week and see the reaction I get to the ending.  

I promised my friend I'd let her design the cover of book 1 of the Law Series since it's her favorite book of mine thus far. I think it's safe to say I love it, if I'm broadcasting it right?  :D 

If I write, and people love my writing, and people read my writing. What does that make me?  

• at 6:21 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Letters I can Never Send: To my readers

 I logged into my blogger account the other day and saw that I had reached a total of 817 followers to date, and over 9000 hits. WOW. I barely even look at the counter since most of my posts are made from my phone, from a random thought during the day when the inspiration to write hits me. So I am sure that you could imagine the look on my face when I logged in via laptop and saw my stats for the first time in almost 7 months on this site. 800? Me? Really? Of all people. Now my work in fictionpress is a tapestry of fiction woven with the silks of my imagination, so I expected the massive amount of readers that I have there, but my blogspot? It's pretty much a dull online diary where I ramble about the world and the way I see it. How could anyone find the way I see the world interesting? Well interesting enough to alert themselves whenever I decided to ramble again. I don't know why, but you did. I owed you guys something so... Notice anything different! Yes you do. NEW SITE. Unlike one of my bros, I am no web designer, but I felt like a different look was needed It's not as tricked out as my wordpress but atleast it won't be as painful to navigate. I sat up, all night (having to work at 6am the next day) and worked with a bro of mine to get my site just right. My own personal thank you.


As an occasional writer, one of the greatest feelings comes from knowing that what you wrote had a positive impact on someone. The ability to relate to others – many of whom live halfway across the globe – has always meant a great deal to me, and so when one of my stories receives a lot of comment, or a blog receives alot of attention, and comments (or even just a few really heartfelt ones), I can’t help but smile. I love when someone tells me that what I wrote means something.

I started blogging at Blogspot years ago because I wanted a place to share my writing openly with the world. Of course, I never thought I’d have more than five readers. After adding a WordPress last year, and a FictionPress, as well as a Fanfiction page , I’ve been able to slowly develop a following and interact with my readers and I've loved it all so far. I love when my fanfiction and fiction press readers message me just see when I will update again, or to ask me why a character acts a certain way, and if there will be a "happily ever after" or when my wordpress  followers share their jungle stories, or debate with me on what works and dosen't.

So far, as a blogger, I’ve learned that the greatest joy in writing is not merely sharing your story with others, but letting those others in to share their stories with you. As much as I love to write on my own time, I would not enjoy blogging nearly as much if I didn’t have such wonderful, interactive and loyal readers as you. Thank you all for making it an experience worthwhile. I hope that as time goes on I will be able to do the same for you!

Thank You,
Apathy

• at 7:15 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Letters I can Never Send: To my Quondam Mushroom

I can write this one with ease. Mainly because our door is closed. Oh how easy it is to form concise sentences when doors aren't revolving, or locked from the outside and my subconcious isn't constantly wondering if the person is going to come bursting thru at any moment. No my little mushroom, this door has been locked on the inside, so I can scribble away.
When we first started we were a whirlwind of fun mayhem. We were both the same in a lot of ways...adventurous, restless, and had an endless amount of pride to the point that we felt we were above it all.
I was a bored, free spirited girl full of angst yet brave enough to divorce her mother and not blink at the chance to seize the independence that came with it. You, you were curious, bored, and willing. I had grown weary with boldly making statements alone..and you were repressed just waiting for an outlet along with the right accomplice to help you 'fuck the world' and together we were a dangerous combination.
We were inseparable, almost as if we were tethered at the hips. We'd talk about where we'd been, where we were going, and how easy it would be to get there. You didn't care where u went as long as comfort and money came with it. I..however. was one of the rare people that could excel in any path presented before me which also made it hard for me to pick one. I bored easy and anything that took my freedom tended to make me shy from it eventually...talented or not. But which ever path I did pick, I saw us taking it together....before we fell.
It was somewhat my fault, looking back. My mind was so ready to take flight at any moment, always willing to take whatever path I needed to take solo to prepare me for later in life. I never stopped to think how it would effect you. You were around me so much and we had so much fun experiencing and learning new things that I had completely forgotten that you were a mushroom. And exotic one...but a mushroom all the same.
But as I resurfaced ready to rejoin the world...better for my solo journey I had hope...somewhat confident that my worry was in vain. Cooking, was one of the many things that I was good at, and I knew how mushrooms tended to work. You had simmered and boiled in who I was, and who we were for years. There was no way you couldn't have absorbed the flavor of independence along with the spices of strength that made you the friend you were. We were as close as expected, yes we could have gone further but I have this little crux in my design that disables me from giving or showing a part of myself that I'm not willing to show everyone. And its very rare to find someone that notices the crux enough to care about it. and in ways you were perfect because you didn't care as long as I fulfilled my friend duties. And I'm thankful, because it all could have gone all wrong.
I thought you were going to be one of the most incredible people I ever had in my life, and I was extremely dissapointed. Not to see that you had "replaced" me (and I use that term loosely because I can't be replaced) but because I could barely recognize who was in front of me that day in the store. You not only lost your flavors...but absorbed all the wrong new ones. You were selfish, self centered, and rude. All things you were before and accepted because I loved you. But became unbearable in the new you. That curiosity you had was replaced with arrogance, that willingness to listen and learn masked behind smoke fumes , your moral beliefs cast aside for the  careless whims of the YOLO generation.
I am speaking in truth and not in bitterness because you were many terrible things.. but you were also able to be one of the nicest and caring people at times. Even your concept of loyalty, though it was an interesting contradiction of who you were it was amazing all the same. And enough for me to attempt to continue because we had a history.
It didn't end well to say the least. The more I continued to become familiar with "new you" the harder it was to be around you especially hearing and seeing things that made me question your intent, but it wasn't until I found out that old you was ingeunine that I  pulled the plug for good. History wasn't enough anymore.
But in the end...I don't even know if the beginning was worth it. There I nothing that bothers me more than when I putmy time and effort into something potentially good only for it to turn out to be anything but. But that's my fault, ill admit that I didn't love you for the person you were but the potential you had. Now that I look back I think most people love you for your potential,the raw spark of energy stuck in a vast void waiting to be harnessed and stabilized, because you could be so much more than the woman I last saw.
I wish you well in life....
-Apathy

• at 3:37 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Letters I can never send: To my Former Paramour

I am writing it this way... because that is pretty much what it is. I know that we were never legally married, but you always referred to what we had this way... so lets go.

The legal stuff is done. Immediately I am reminded of you telling me, many times before we were married, that it wasn't just about a wedding, but the rest. And it strikes me that there isn't a correlate of a wedding for the legalities of divorce.

But I think there ought to be. A ritual untying of a frayed knot.

In May, after everything had happened, I drove out to 'our spot' and walked around that peaceful place, where we had once been so full of hope, when we spoke eloquent words, and made promises, brimming with rude ambition for a relationship that had the odds stacked against it from the start.

It was there, that I made the decision to continue forward. That my limit of forgiveness had been reached and I had grown tired. If I were being honest, our relationship still holds some of best days of my life. We may not have been Romeo and Juliet, but there are compensations: nobody died right?

One of the most touching surprises of telling my family that we were officially no more has been the sadness of my family that our marriage didn't go the distance. Now despite the fact that they don't know the full extent of our troubles as a couple, It has been good and healing to be reminded that once upon a time, we loved each other. I also remain resolute that we had more adventures in our years plus months than many people fit into a lifetime.

Yet you and I also know that individually, and collectively, we failed. There are words we cannot take back, actions we can't undo, stains and blemishes that won't rub out or fade, or look good in any light.

Then again, so much of who I am now, especially the parts I really like, I am because of you, because you loved and nurtured those aspects, and because of our marriage. Almost every time I see a film, watch plays, read certain books and listen to new music, I often wonder what you would make of it, what we would have discussed.

It's crazy how calm I can think about all of this and not be attacked by the normal surge of emotions, that need to go to you. How I can write this without bitterns in my heart or the slightest moisture in my eyes.

It has been a little over two months since we legally separated.Though you didn't seem to take the surprise well at first, I am enormously proud that we have gone our own ways without acrimony or bitterness, but with kindness and respect( at least I think you feel that way).

Having reneged on our promises, I'd like to make three wishes on untying the knot.

My first wish is that we both come out of this not just wiser and stronger, but nicer people too. The second is that we both learn some life-changing lessons from what went wrong, and make sure we don't repeat avoidable errors. That would be the real tragedy. And my last wish is that we both find that elusive "happy-ever-after" with someone else.



Love to you, and the best of luck on this next leg of your journey.



Apathy

• at 8:03 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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