So speaking for myself, apologizing is a hard thing to do, especially when I feel the person I'm apologizing to owes me an apology as well. But I KNOW THIS… when it’s all said and done, it’s not about me... fully. On my infinite quest for knowledge, I came across a book by Beverly Engel called The Power of Apology. In the book, I saw a quote that fit well to what I’m about to say. She stated, “Some people may see apologizing as a pride thing—a sign of weakness. They think it will hurt them in some way, but if you don’t acknowledge the offense, it can be insulting for the other person.” I must remember that even though I may not agree with the fact that I are apologizing, apologies are healing. They give each person the opportunity to forgive and it will help mend the relationship. Yeah... I don't apologize unless I MEAN it.
What sucks is... I can apologize when I feel I did something wrong, or see the error in my ways. And in this case I do. But at the same time I am attempting to apologize to a person that tends to be all or nothing (Just like me). And how the fuck do I phrase an apology that is truthful and earnest and yet hide what upset me in the first place. I can never fully broach the subject so I can never get the full apology. Hmm what does Engel say?
What to Say?
The most important things when apologizing are your intentions and your attitude. In order to apologize with meaning, you have to let go of the reason you were angry or hurt in the first place. Holding on to negative feelings will defeat the purpose of the apology. “If your apology doesn’t come across as sincere, it will be meaningless,” says Engel, who describes these three essential points to make when apologizing:
The most important things when apologizing are your intentions and your attitude. In order to apologize with meaning, you have to let go of the reason you were angry or hurt in the first place. Holding on to negative feelings will defeat the purpose of the apology. “If your apology doesn’t come across as sincere, it will be meaningless,” says Engel, who describes these three essential points to make when apologizing:
1. Recognize your relationship with the person. Realizing how important the friendship/relationship is to you will impact how powerful your apology will be. If you feel like this person or situation was the “last straw,” then bid the person good-bye. But if you know you truly care about the situation, then do something about it.
Ok. I care alot, and it wasn't completely his fault.... So I can swallow my pride and part of my ego to initiate the bridging.
2. Express regret. “When saying you’re sorry, show compassion and empathy,” says Engel. “You know that your action hurt someone.” Take responsibility by showing the person you know it was your fault, even if you felt wronged too. “And be sure not to somehow blame the other person,” says Engel. You should always make sure you convey understanding for the pain you’ve caused.
Wrong, I can never take full fault if I was genuinely upset at something. Also I feel like when compassion, empathy and so one are too emotional. I would prefer to just tell the facts. "You did this, I did this. I apologize for this, and I fuck up here, so my bad too, but you did this." Emotions tend to make things more complicated.
3. Find a remedy. Replacing what was lost or broken or finding another way to make it up to the person can speak volumes.
Um. Right. Time can't be replaced, and over trying to make up for mistakes tends to annoy me, so I'm sure it would annoy someone else. I think jumping through hoop to show ruefulness with probably jsut make them RUE the fact that they gave you another chance.
What Happens Next?
Once you apologize, be patient with the response. Sometimes, the person may not be open to this right away, but give it time. If they care about the friendship/relationship that was once there, then they’ll forgive and forget. Yes, it would be easier for you if the person accepted your apology immediately, but that doesn’t always happen. “Don’t put pressure on the other, because that could ignite anger again,” Engel says. And if the person doesn’t accept your apology right away, try another way of apologizing. Keep in mind, a letter can help. “A letter gives the other person time to digest: s/he may reject it at first, but over time there is more of a chance that s/he will forgive,” she adds.
Once you apologize, be patient with the response. Sometimes, the person may not be open to this right away, but give it time. If they care about the friendship/relationship that was once there, then they’ll forgive and forget. Yes, it would be easier for you if the person accepted your apology immediately, but that doesn’t always happen. “Don’t put pressure on the other, because that could ignite anger again,” Engel says. And if the person doesn’t accept your apology right away, try another way of apologizing. Keep in mind, a letter can help. “A letter gives the other person time to digest: s/he may reject it at first, but over time there is more of a chance that s/he will forgive,” she adds.
Engel obviously doesn't have a bromance. I do agree with being patient and giving it time to marinade, see where they PLACE you back in their life tan trying to just pick up where you left off. But trtying another way to apologize isn't going to make them forgive you faster. Get your message across the first time and if it was meant to happen it will. Trying to find more ways to say sorry is PUTTING PRESSURE on the other person. As far as a letter. lol. If it works sure. But I'm not sending out a heartfelt saga to a person that I'm not even sure if they'll say hey to me yet. Me an my sister have a blog that is literally letters ppl sent us just like that. In hindsight it may seem harsh, but nothing is without reason.
Fuck Engel. I'll jsut give the realest apology I can ever give.
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