Letters I can never send: To My Unforeseen

What to think? What to feel? How to react?

Hmm... It was all too easy to use the 'Death of a Dream' method in this situation. This route was instinctual, I mean, I literally wrote it. But, if I were going to be honest to myself, I would say something along the lines of....

I love you... keep that in mind. And as much as you hate it... I know you. (I know what you show me, and I know what you tell me. If I get it wrong from that then it's your fault for presenting it to me the way you have for the past few years.) So in all the time I have known you I have never seen you fully 

No. 
As I stare at the five handwritten pages I scribbled pertaining to you, it seems somewhat cowardice to post it here, for the world to read before you do. Since you insist on a blog strike i suppose it doesn't matter anyway, but.... This isn't how I am going to do this one with you. You have already seen too much of me for me to communicate with you through a letter. I'll most likely never hand this too you, but one day... when and if you're ready. I'll share it. It'll only be an ask away. 

Love you,

Apathy

• at 7:18 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Letters I can never send: To my Webmaster of Truths

It's funny how it took me getting you out of my house and on a plane to DR to be able to put my thoughts together enough to even attempt to write this. And though you aren't an inanimate object and I very well can give you this letter I won't. Mainly because you'll just tell me that "my girl is showing.." after you read it, because who in the hell writes letters anymore right? But here goes, in the spirit of what you do best...

The first thing you did when we met all those years ago was PLAN YOUR WEB PRESENCE. You picked your domain name and decided how invested you wanted to be in the development of our friendship. You had two options before you. You could choose to DO IT YOURSELF, which would require more work, or the GO PRO option. Though you would consider this step BBI( boring but important) it was a new approach for me all together.You chose the DIY approach, thought it would require you to look at all the angles, what appealed visually, as well as the functionality, all the while staying persistent enough to work through the rough spots.

You CHOSE YOUR TOOLS well, picking the host with enough bandwidth to support who we bother were as well as a FTP secure enough to keep our secrets between us. Our foundation was 'truths', and you MADE KEY DESIGN DECISIONS as we shared them. We kept it clean, concise, and didn't waste our words. You LEARNED THE CODE but only what you needed to know, respecting my boundaries on what I chose not to share.

I know it had to be frustrating when you right clicked, selected view source, then view page source, and left clicked, only to see that my code was one long unbroken block as opposed to the line by line layout that you normally preferred. Nevertheless you were patient enough to sort through it anyway.

Next you had to IDENTIFY THE BEST SOFTWARE to use. WYSIWYG would have been the easiest, but in knowing that there are several truths within a simple truth you were stuck with the HTML way. And I wouldn't be me if I didn't occasionally, TAKE CONTROL OVER THE LOOK, FEEL, AND FUNCTION of our friendship. Though I had to say that I was pleased when I say there was growth potential, and you even left a space for feedback.

You OPTIMIZED FOR SEARCH ENGINES, the most challenging yet potentially rewarding task in a friendship. Your ability to perfectly position yourself so that whenever I needed something and I searched through my archive of friends based on the situation and their ability to help, you were one of the top on every list of options is quite a feat. But you wouldn't be you if you couldn't make this look easy.

Once you PUT ALL THE PARTS TOGETHER and TOOK THE SITE LIVE it was the last step that impressed me. CONSTANTLY TENDING TO THE SITE. You tweaked and adjusted as needed, your ultimate test over the last month.

You weren't use to seeing a really emotional side of me, since our 'truths' were very direct and factual for the most part, but you handled it well. Though I was expecting the harsh jab in the arm accompanied by the 'man up' I've seen you give to others, all I received were a few 'This is interesting...'s and 'this is definitely a new side of you's Which I appreciate.You're amazing , and I thank you.

Your 'bro 4 life'
Apathy

• at 6:20 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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On the 100th floor of Apathy Inc....

It was late, well ino the 3rd hour of a new day. The 100 story corporate building was pretty much silent. The workers? Asleep at home, or...out causing mayhem on the town since Friday nights seemed to bring out peoples wild sides. Something about not having anyone to answer to the next day I suppose.
But up there, on the very top floor, in the grandiose conference room adjoined to my office sat me. The CEO Apathy herself, burning the night oil with my most trusted execs, it was here, at this hour, when the world below slept, that we made the decisons that would guide the day to day operations of Apathy Inc......


The file read the same as it did last quarter. Our sister company's education fund was bottoming out and it was now up to debate on whether or not we would stop her from going bankrupt.
"If we do a bailout we will most likely have to do another next quarter." Gut, my 40 year old co head of security mainly with a knack for being right reasoned.
Conscience, my head of ethics, rolled her eyes at him. "You're missing the point, it's our sister company and our only ally. She's been around since we started."
"Your thoughts body?" I asked putting out no opinion of my own. I learned quickly that it was best to be just a face, and trust my team to be the best at what they did.
Body looked up at me through small framed glasses. Even in the late hour she was pefectly groomed her hair slicked back in a perfect bun, controled, you could never tell what she was thinking from facial expressions alone. She never formally adressed anyone without discussing what was best with her colleages. PR wise, she tended to be on the flawless side. That's why I never hesitated to let her be the voice of the company.
"It goes against my instinct not to bail out. Brain can we afford it?"
Brain looked thru our own financial profile. He was the head of financial, HR, record keeping the works, but where he really shined was working security alongside Gut. His former sniper training and military background made him an expert at soft entry, and he preffered this approach better than Guts "hostile takeover" method. I needed them for balance. "We can cover the bail out,but our own expansion will take ahit."
"That's irrelevant, we have investments in enough projects that our own expansion can afford to be postponed." Conscience added.
Paura sat at th end of the table timidy taking notes of the meeting, the only time she tended to speak was when there was a chance something could go wrong. She raised a finger getting my attention, "miss apathy, what if all of our baskets lose their eggs at once and we need bailing out? We won't have the reserves to--"
"Grow a pair and vote Paura. You only talk about depressing stuff...." Libido snapped impatiently. She hated meetings that didn't involve her.
Her outburst made poor Paura jump. "You are a very important part of the team Paura. You give Brain something to think about." I reassured before turning to Libido to admonish her, "Do you have something constructive to add Libido?"
"It's Priscilla..." she boldly corrected rolling her eyes at me. She was the only one not in business attire. Her scarlet low cut dress matched the shade ofher lipstick exactly, her hair resting around her face and shoulders in wild curls. "And no. I don't care about this topic, but if I have to vote I'll go with watever Body said." She shrugged and went back to filing her nails.
She always sided with Body. They were best frends, so her vote didn't surprise me.
"Ok so Priscilla, Body, and Conscience vote 'yes' and a definite 'no' for gut. Brain? " I asked growing weary of the topic.
Brain was silent for a moment processing everything objectively. "Bail out, she has no other investments, we can logically afford to delay expansion more than she can."
"Ok, so that's four.... We'll bail out our sister comapny and delay expansion." I concluded closing the file.
"Ill make the announcment tomorrow," Body assured.
I pulled out another stack of files and passed it around eachletting them take one. "Next order of business. We have a potential merger...."
Brain was the first to open it, his forehead creasing as he viewed the portfolio. Body perked up at the mention of 'merger' alone, not even looking a the file yet. Priscilla's face remained bored as she took the new folder. "Please let this one at least be beneficial to us..." She sighed hopeful. She rarely found challenge in her work these days.
Conscience opened her file skimming only the title before slamming it shut. The wind from it blowing her bangs upward. "Move for dismissal...."
This made Priscilla curious. She opened her file, the only file she opened all night and a mischevious grin flashed across her face. "Do it."
"Its up for discussion, not for voting yet." I clarified. "This is serious. Our last few attempts at merging were a waste of time"
Gut lookedit over, "I thought this particular file was settled years ago..."
"Yes filed away back in 05 if I recall correctly." Brain concurred carefully, he always recalled correctly.
Conscience nodded. "Yes we did, so there is no need to bring it back to the table. This was qualified as an ethical issue, and it was sealed and filed away."
"Well things are different now, I see no harm in bringing it to the floor for discussion." Priscilla smiled too innocently.
Paura looked at all of us, nervously biting her nails. "I don't think we should bring this to the floor without Heart being here."
"NO!" Everyone shouted at once.
"Let Heart rest, she's been through a lot the past few years." I explained.
Brain added, "Heartdoesnt have the best judgement, and its late"
Paura understood, she was there for it all, "But... I also think her imput would be more valid than Brain and Gut's in this. She's going to be really mad if we do this without her."
"She's irrational," Gut sighed. "I don't need to remind you of last time."
Everyone looked away from each other at the memory. Paura hiding a wince. "She bought us useful information..." Conscience mused.
"And almost destroyed Apathy Inc. In the process". Brain added.
Priscilla extended her hands pushing down air in a gesture to bring down the tension. "Whoa, calm it down. Were talking about a merger here. That's me and Body's department. We don't always involve Heart. No big deal."
"No, it is a big deal" Paura argued. " Miss Apathy tell them."
I hesitated, for once joining in on their meeting, no longer a mediator. "Um..."
Body looked up at me, her eyes judging. " We are just talking about a merger here right Apathy?"
"Thisone is a very big deal...." I answered criptically.
Guts eyes widened, "A Merger of equals?"
I shook my head.
Brain caught on immediately. " An aquisition?"
I nodded. "Quite possibly."
There was murmuring amongst the execs and I could distinctly hear Paura repeat her suggestion " We need Heart..."
"We shouldn't involve Heart until were sure that --" My words were cut off by the sound of the conference room door swinging open.
There Heart stood, sleepily rubbing her eyes in her long white cotton nightgown. "What are you guys doing up here?" Her soft voice inquired.
Everyone stared at her like they just got caught with their hands in a cookie jar. Even Brain and Gut looked guilty. "Nothing Heart... go back to sleep." I suggested softly, she looked so tired and weak. She shouldn't be up.
"You guys are having a meeting..." She accused looking around at the files in front of us. "How could you have a meeting without me?" Her voice was hurt, but that was Heart...always taking things personal.
Brain's eyes softened at the small girl. "Its our job to protect you Heart." It was always odd to hear him use something other than logic and objectivity, to coddle. But all of he execs had a soft spot for little Heart. She was frail, and if she went out, Apathy Inc would be no more.
Heart pouted, her button nose wrinkling in distaste as she turned what Brain said over in her head. The chocolate pools in her eyes were an exact mirror of her feelings. "I don't want to be protected, I want to be included." She demanded coming in, her mousy voice strong, but tired. There were no extra chairs and she didn't hesitate to come sit in my lap. I didn't mind holding her, atleast in my arms I knew she was safe.
She glanced down at the file infont of me, and I could feel her tense in my lap as she read it. Everyone watched her warily as they reopened their folders.
"Who wants to start?" Heart asked taking over the meeting.


To be continued.......

• at 4:06 AM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Letters I can never send: To my Heart

Dear heart,
Ok, it is time you and me had a talk. I'm ready to explain the last 11 years of bitchy eye rolling, regular silent treatment, and outright war between us. You must wonder why we can now sit here holding hands like you didn't put gum in my hair in the sixth grade, or pull a chair out from underneath me laughin as you stole my boyfriend away when I was 18 even after Brain and Gut told you not to. (Deny those all you want you SO did...)
Until very recently, I hated you for being a rotten wingman in the romace department as well as the rest of my life. I wanted Chanel, you delivered Eau de Gangrene. There it is.
Our trouble began when you set my expectations all wrong early in life. You were always athletically giftef at the sisterly, and the father daughter thing. I still don't see how you did it, toughing out the simultaneous implosions while securing a "father" for a girl that had never laid eyes on her own, while securing that my siste and I emerged as kindered spirits on the other side.
Even my cousins in the beginning got an honorary sister status as a result of your talent. To this very day I can pick up a photo of 'daddy' and you can make me tear up andget all mushy on the inside. Thank you really. You made my life easier for the first 12 years.
Which is why heart, I falted you-- and wanted to scrape you out with a grapefruit spoon-- in the romance dept, and everything else you were dead weight.
Brain and Gut had to work double shifts to keep your dumbass safe because you were too naieve to protect yourself. Do you now how much that overtime cost me? Two special forces agents trained in soft entry,demolition, weapons, and hand to hand combat don't come cheap. I mean Gut was a medic and Brain was a sniper for heavens sake!
But I must hand it to you heart.....oh you idiotc earnest believer you. You're resourceful. Somehow your 12 year old 4 foot frame somehow managed to escape that 100 ft tower guarded by 2 men in their 40s wt over 20 years experience in a sundress and barefoot no less. And by the time they found you again it was too late. Yu saw an angel face and assumed it reflected the tenor of the heart lurking within.
I couldn't believe it when you threwthe tantrum, kicking and screaming as Gut and Brain tried to haul you back to your tower. Eventually they threw their hands in the air and let you have your way. You were wrong. He may have been a cheater but you were 3 timing with Brain, Gut, and Libido kying to the three of them to get their trust which makes you no better. Bad girl! Look where it got you. Your 5 year record is what caused me to do a total brand recall of the body last year. I finally held you accountable for your crimes heart, and I cut you out of the picture. I just couldn't trust you.
Yet here we sit now, like bffs over coffee. Why? The jedi mind trick worked. You pickaxed away at the tower walls and as you did you finally learned what youwere trying to teach me. It was MY job to engage Brain, Gut, Libido, and Body because you're all heart! Duh. I wasn't using all that is me to take care of you. And you deserve better.
So thank you. Thank you for resisting me when I tried to declare you closed. Thank you for inspiring me to include you in the decisions. You became a woman over the last 5 years and you were made even more beautiful by the emotional stretch marks.
Love you,
Apathy

• at 4:40 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Musings of the JECTED: Closing

I am nearly 100 percent positive that my readers have noticed the fact that most of my blogs the past month have been following a certain theme. Yes 'JECTED' has has been the suffix of choice for the past few weeks, and I picked it for a specific reason. the root 'ject' means literally "to throw" and there isn't a single person out there that hasn't been thrown in some way in life, hell I am willing to bet many. 

I personally have been:

Dejected

Rejected(2)

Objected

Retrojected

Abjected*

Subjected*

Conjected*

I have shared 9 of my own musings in life in this jected series... well 3 are pending publish... but I do plan to put them up, only after the people that they involve read them first. But back to topic. I started this all because of one thing...my accident.

As I looked myself over in the mirror a few days after, the discoloration of my skin, the monumental discomfort from even the fastidious of movements, as well as a few lacerations to tell my tale, i remember wondering vacantly if any of the markings would leave a scar. Then i shrugged (mentally...since literally i didn't want to move anything.) and smiled. Because in retrospect I'm lucky, and there is literally no scar that my skin would carry that would compare to the ones I already have.


Everyone has literally had at least ten moments in life where they were 'jected' in some way, and no one walks away from being thrown without some sort of scar to show where you've been. 
Scars are the telltale signs of a wound that has healed. It is the marker for a moment in time that did not go as planned. The funny thing about scars is that regardless of how innocuous or how horrific they are, the fact that it is there means that you healed. That in some way you have recovered from the incident that caused the scar. Bearing the scar does not mean that you are flawed. It does not make any less of a person. Scars are just evidence of life.

A scar tells more of a story than something as pedestrian as a tattoo ever will. A scar comes from living life. Scars pay tribute to survivors, like medals for heroes scars are earned by those who have made it through the fire. 
To be honest, I wouldn’t be interested in a person without scars. Scars are proof that life is worth living and wounds will heal. Scars are beauty meets toughness
and toughness is made of our soul, scars can be read like a map pointing to each characteristic of yourself leading the way to who you truly are.

Read like a history book they can tell our story without words they can speak. The unseen scars I acknowledge even more, because they bare witness to the struggles in the shadows. 

So, keep the scars in mind the next time you're 'jected' in a way. Your scars make you, and there is always beauty in the breakdown.

• at 8:11 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Musings of the twice rejected....

Views on rejection-

Rejection is part of a person's life. Apparently anyone who wants to make it needs to learn to face rejection bravely, gracefully, and frequently.

When you receive a negative response, make sure you learn from it, and that you always have a new project underway, something that will give you hope no matter how many rejections come your way for the previous project.

I am an occasional writer.  When I get inspired, pieces in my dropbox typically seem to fall in the category of love.  I am a firm believer that love exists in many forms: a mother to a child, a friend to a friend,  selfless love leading to action in order to help humanity….as well as of course romantic love.  Many of the famous songs of old are about the passion and perils of romantic love….finding love, heartbreak, the ache of unrequited love….life and literature is ripe with tales and woes of romantic love.  Love may at times seem elusive….and barriers to love exist, as we all know.

I see this truth when I examine myself and my own desire for, and yet skittishness toward, romantic love.  It can be hard, at times, for me to be vulnerable in this area. Rejection is a part of the elusive search for romantic love.  Who likes rejection?  No one.  It is painful and raw.  However, often the process to achieving romantic love will involve rejection, either in dating rejection or in pain from past relationships and break-ups.  Rejection can transcend romantic love, however…. Rejection is a fact of life, whether it be in the career field or more relational in nature.  Vulnerability is needed in order to find romantic love, but all too often walls are put up to safeguard one’s heart, and to not be hurt any more than one has already been hurt.  These walls are problematic, however, and need to be dismantled in order to find a successful outcome in a dating or marital relationship. But... for now theyll stay. 

• at 4:16 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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Musings of the retrojected...

Ah... to be retrojected. A word that use to sum up a large bulk of my life, so I am more than familiar with the word. But for those who arent:


retroject [ˌrɛtrəʊˈdʒɛkt]

vb

(tr) to throw or project backwards 

[from retro- + -ject as in project]

retrojection  n

Yes. There have been several times in my life where I have thrown myself backwards on my path to moving forward... all because of the weaknesses that are attached to falling in love. I don't really talk about personal views on love and heartbreak, but I feel the need to now because several people that I love are going through their own personal retrojection issues. Not to mention I seem to have quite a few readers that I don't know, and whose to say they aren't going through or haven't gone through the same.


Broken hearts are perverse little things. Whoever said that “Time heals all wounds” was either ignorant or suffering from denial. Now you could try ingesting your favorite alcoholic beverage, you can dull the pain of a heartbreak, hell, you can drown yourself and purge that sensation. However, the next day you are left to reel from the after effects of your overindulgence. The next day, not only does the pain come back with a vengeance, you’re also besieged with the feeling that the world has just split in two. Sheer discord and bedlam echo in your mind, the pain is ringing in your ears, as you suffer from one colossal hang over.


Time does not heal wounds, it only numbs the ache. It gives you the illusion that everything is over and done with, it gives you the comfort to go on with your life. To live with the pretense that your heart never suffered the blow. Time allows you to bury the memory to the farthest recesses of your mind, that is, of course till that hapless the day that something or someone happens to slash the wound open again.
You can turn to the powers of denial, that it doesn’t hurt, and that you’re over it. You can run, you can hide, you can change your name, and move to some distant continent – but then, broken hearts have the rather odious power to follow you where ever you go. In the end, you will be reduced to the same person that you were the moment it happened. You can try to find somebody new, to somehow allow yourself the chance to start fresh, but then, it does not work out, you are yet again reeling from another crippling sensation, which leaves you wondering why?


Broken hearts are like weeds, no matter how you try to do away with them in haste, they will always keep coming back to suck the life out of your garden. If one is not able to properly come to terms with the feeling, you will never be free from it. The past prevents you from moving on, because you have not found the power to heal from the festering wound in your heart.


So what do you do? Do you keep running away from it, only to collide into same feeling in your quest of denial? Or do you face the demon head on and finally lower it to its grave?


The power to heal can easily be found within ourselves. We spend so much time wallowing in a self imposed state of hell that we don’t see things clearly. We create our own demons after all. No one can truly break your heart unless you give them the power to do so.


Instead of moving on and forging on ahead.We do the dumbest thing, hurt ourselves by looking back…


It’s time to run away. Far away from the grave where the demons of our broken hearts lie resting. It’s time to run away, and leave the place where we have lost ourselves. Most people (as I have been once) are under the misconception that the only place we can find again is with the person we lost ourselves with. And that's not true. Once you lose yourself in a person you will NEVER EVER get that part of you back, so you have to discover a new you. It’s time to run away, and never look back again… It's quite a freeing feeling.

• at 8:45 PM
• Posted by Lady Apathy

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